BFN

No baby this month. I have taken 2 tests and although there are no physical signs yet that I am not pregnant I believe the tests.

I hate the whole trying process. It's such an emotional roller coaster. I am not one to wait patiently either. The minute I am late I go bazerk and assume I am prego. No such luck though. Oh well, maybe next month. :)

A yucky day

The events of today were great. I had a fun day. But my feelings....not so much. I feel really sick to my stomach. Flu or pregnancy or mind playing tricks on me? 2 more days until we see.

Thank You God!!!

We thank you, O God! We give thanks because you are near. People everywhere tell of your wonderful deeds. Psalm 75:1

I wanted to tell of one of God's wonderful deeds for us. We have been trying to adjust to this new life here, and the big cut in pay that we took. It's been nerve wracking seeing the bills (trying to carry two houses still) and seeing the paycheck. This month we were going to be short. I was praying and praying asking God to provide. He opened up the doors to this amazing opportunity so naturally He would provide for our needs. As the days dragged on, and the anxiety rose I began to pray each day. God told me to thank Him for today's blessings and take the bills as they come. One day at a time. So with much anxiety I listened and began to pay them one by one. And guess what? We had enough money, but there was still a pile with due dates quickly approaching. He said to trust Him and just focus on today. I asked for a sign and every where I turned something reinforced all of this to me. Whether it be in my devotional, in the television preacher (whom I don't normally watch but it was on this channel when I turned it on), or something I heard on KLOVE. It all matched.

And I am happy to say, that with only a few days left in the month of Nov all of our bills will be paid. Praise God!!!! He does provide. Keep your eyes on Him and let Him take care of the rest. Sometimes it's easier said then done, but the best advice I got was when the anxiety creeps in....pray. Tell God. The only way to get peace is to keep the lines of communication with Him open.

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness, we truly don't deserve the good gifts you give to us.....and because of that I am even more grateful.

I almost missed it

I am trying to concentrate on taking life one day at a time. There is nothing I can do about yesterday, and tomorrow may not come. I am trying to be content and have faith.
I still have a lot of anxiety about our situation and I think that's normal. I was reading about Jesus in the garden on Gasthemene and something struck me like it never had before. I know Jesus was under stress as he was praying asking the cup be removed from him, but I never really realized that he was scared. He had that real, raw emotion. He didn't want to die, even though he had experienced what was on the other side. He knew what heaven was like and He was still afraid to go through what he had to go through. Perhaps it wasn't so much about dying, but more about the manner in which is was to happen nevertheless he was still scared. He was so young.

He had great anxiety about his situation and what did he do? He prayed. He prayed to his Father for his will to be done. He admitted that He didn't really want to go through this. 3 times He prayed that this cup be taken from him.

Matthew 26:36-43

36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane. He said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray."

37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him. He began to be sad and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, "My soul is very sad. I feel close to death. Stay here. Keep watch with me."

39 He went a little farther. Then he fell with his face to the ground. He prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering away from me. But let what you want be done, not what I want."

40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Couldn't you men keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Peter. 41 "Watch and pray. Then you won't fall into sin when you are tempted. The spirit is willing. But the body is weak."

42 Jesus went away a second time. He prayed, "My Father, is it possible for this cup to be taken away? But if I must drink it, may what you want be done."

43 Then he came back. Again he found them sleeping. They couldn't keep their eyes open. 44 So he left them and went away once more. For the third time he prayed the same thing.

My lesson from this:

Even Jesus dealt with anxiety.
When He felt this He prayed.
He prayed not once, but three times. He prayed until "the time had come for the Son of Man to be handed over."

When we are anxious, lets follow Jesus' example. Pray when you feel that anxiety creeping up.
Be honest with God. Tell Him you are scared, that you don't want to deal with this. He already knows what you feel....may as well make it known in your words.
Continue to petition God with your request. Sometimes I feel like I ask and pray for something and if I keep bringing it up I am being annoying. He is God after all and surely He knows what my troubles are. But God doesn't get tired of us coming to Him. He wants us to lean on Him and trust Him.

Matthew 7:11 (New International Version)

11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

1Thes.5:16-18

16Rejoice always;

17pray without ceasing;

18in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

But in all of this praying for the big thing...that really in God's scheme of things isn't that big...I almost missed a little blessing. We have been sleeping on an air mattress since we moved here on Oct 4th. We went back to get our bed but slept on it in NY and realized the 10 yr old mattress made us feel worse then sleeping on the air mattress. So we bought a new mattress 2 weeks ago and are waiting for delivery. Well 2 nights ago the air mattress popped. Not sure what happened probably a result of one of our animals, but anyway. I prayed yesterday that even though this was silly, could God please speed up the shipping process of this mattress. We desperately needed it and could it please ship by the end of the week. I went to check my email and wouldn't you know it the mattress was being loaded on the truck yesterday morning. PRAISE GOD! I looked at estimated delivery and it said Nov. 25-Dec 2nd.....EEEK!!!! So again I just quickly and simply said...Lord please let it get delivered before that. The company is 4 hrs away so it didn't make sense why it would take so long to get here if it shipped yesterday.

****As a side note....we went to a mattress store found out what we liked and then left to find the best deal online. I saved myself $700 off the retail store price we just had to wait longer for arrival. ****

This morning at 10:15 a gentleman called as said "I have your mattress can I deliver it today." "ABSOLUTELY!!!!"
Praise God!!!! He is faithful even in the small things...now if I can only be patient for this big hurdle. : ) But it was if God answered and said "I hear you, I can do anything...even deliver your mattress a week early...and I will take care of the other stuff...but in MY time." Thank you God!

Finding contentment in an envious world

I am reading a book by Linda Dillow called " Calm my anxious heart." A Women's Guide to Finding Contentment. This book is fantastic. I recommend it to all of you. If you don't already have it get a copy, and if you can't afford a copy I have one extra so leave me a comment and I will send it to you!

There is a story in here of two monks. I want to post it here for you.

"I need oil" said an ancient monk, so he planted an olive sapling. "Lord," he prayed, "it needs rain that its tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers. "Lord," prayed the monk, "my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray thee." And the sun shone, gilding the dripping clouds. "Now frost, my Lord, to brace its tissues." cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frost, but at evening it died.

Then the monk sought the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. "I, too, planted a little tree," he said, "and see! It thrives well. But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better what it needs than a man like me. I laid no condition. I fixed not ways or means. "Lord, send what it needs, 'I prayed, 'storm or sunshine, wind rain, or frost. Thou has made it and Thou dost know."

This little story can apply to so many areas in my life. Right now with our transition from NY to WV, with my kids lives as they grow, with jobs, with school choices etc. God is the one who made us and He knows best.

I am a bit embarrassed to say that I am more often the first monk. I am a thinker and a planner, and I am in no means, patient.
When I first read the story I thought "How great God is answering the first monk's prayers. Now why can't mine be answered when I call upon Him?" Then I got to the second monk and had that big ah ha moment. The light bulbs went on in the attic. Even if He did answer all the prayer requests I put before Him to my liking it may not be His will for me. In the end I could still end up a dead tree. It's hard to keep your focus on these things when all you can see is physical circumstances that seem impossible.

We think if only we had a baby, or another baby. If only I had more money. If only I could work or stay home with my kids. If only my house were cleaner. If only we had a bigger house, a better car, a better church....then I would be happy. But often we get those things, and they bring on a whole new set of problems and stresses. The grass isn't greener on the other side.

We need to learn to accept what has been given to us. After, I lost my second baby I was devastated. I couldn't imagine why God would have done this and how I would ever get through. I prayed and told Him this. Why was it this way? If only I had that child, I would have been happy. Afterall Jane Doe was popping them out left and right and she seemed overjoyed. That should have been me.
If I hadn't of lost my second child, I never would have gotten to meet my third. My son. Who by the way is pretty amazing! God has opened doors and brought women to me who have lost their own children. My son is a testimony to God's mercy and love.
I remember bringing my son home from the hospital and saying to Phil that at the moment I was so happy, I was content.

The point is we need to stop comparing ourselves to someone else. Because guess what? We are not them. God has His own plan for our lives. Some of us have a little more rain then others, but God is there in the rain. All of this is molding us to become the woman God wants us to be.

I am beginning to learn to look only at today. All we have is the moment we are in. God doesn't promise tomorrow....the future is God's and God's alone. So today I am grateful for the gifts of yesterday. He provided our needs, we got through. This morning I am grateful that he chose to give me another day and our needs are being met. And tomorrow....well we'll tackle that one when and if it comes.

Philippians 4:6-8 (Amplified Bible)

6Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition ([a]definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.

7And God's peace [shall be yours, that [b]tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall [c]garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

8For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].

I leave you with this question. Which monk are you?

Help Wanted

As some of you know I was on the hunt for a babysitter. We just moved here and have no one to watch our kids and with Phil having a more normal job that has Christmas parties and such, it became a necessity to find someone. Plus I won't lie, it's nice to go out without the kids every once and a while.

I signed up for this website sittercity and found a girl who was near by. She came over and met the kids they seemed to hit it off so we hired her. The first night I put Ethan done to sleep before we left so she just had to deal with Emma who would only be up for about an hour until she had to go to bed herself.

First night, no problems everything was great.

We asked her to come over again.

This time we had to leave earlier so Ethan was awake. I set out their pajamas showed her where they were and laid out 5 diapers so she could change him etc. (not that she would need 5 diapers but you get the point.)
When we got home she said all went well but something weird had happened. Ethan had puked. She said she didn't even realize he had puked Emma told her.

This isn't unusual for Ethan because he gets in these coughing fits and they get out of hand and if you don't stop him he does indeed puke.

I thought this is what happened. I apologized for not telling her that he does that sometimes, paid her and she left.

The next morning Ethan woke up crying. He literally had pee from his pillow all the way down to his feet. I went to check the stack of diapers I had left...and wouldn't you know it there were still 5 diapers there. She never changed him. We left at 5:30 and his diaper had last been changed at about 3 so that means the poor kids went about 17 hours with the same diaper on. I was pissed. But then I thought well maybe she just forgot because he was sleeping last time. But then I thought about it again....he puked and needed his pajama's changed. Not only that but she put on his first set of pajama's. 2 opportunities where the diaper was staring her right in the face and she didn't change it. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

I casually said to Emma..."so Ethan puked last night huh?" not digging for into but who cares if I was...these are my kids I have a right to ask. She said "yes". Then she says "Is Ethan allowed to have mints?" I thought this was a weird question. Maybe she had given him a tic tac after he puked cause it breath smelled or something. "What kind of mints Emma? Show me." She pulls out the bag of Starlight mints we had. You know what kind I am talking about right....the ones that are red and white like candy canes and they are hard and shaped like a life saver without the hole. YAH those HARD candy mints! "The babysitter gave Ethan one and that is what he was choking on when he threw up." WHAT!!!!!! Then I start prodding. Emma tells me that Ethan saw them there and asked C for one. She said yes. Emma and Ethan were sitting at the computer playing a game while C ate dinner. Ethan swallowed the mint and starting coughing and choking. Instead of getting up to see what was going on C continued to eat and was telling Ethan to stop coughing. Then he puked so she had to get up.

First of all, you don't give hard candy mints to a 2 yr old. Quite honestly, I don't give them to my 6 yr old. It's not something they need and I have swallowed one to many in my childhood to know its not a pleasant experience at all. So my kids don't get them.
Secondly you don't put two and two together? You just gave a BABY a hard candy and a few mins later he begins to cough and choke. You don't get off your ass to see what's going on? I'm sorry but this really irritates me. He could have stopped breathing, he could have died. Thank God he didn't.

That day she was in class all day and I wanted an explanation. I wrote her a very nice email putting some of the blame on myself to see what she would say. I didn't want to attack her so as you will see I posted a lot of it on me just to see what happened. Also this is while we were still thinking of giving her a second chance.

Here is a copy of that:

Hey C,

Thanks again for watching the kids last night! They really like you.

Ethan woke up this morning and he was soaked from head to toe including all his bedding. I am not sure if you had changed his diaper right before bed, but if not could you do that next time? With all the milk he drinks before bed he tends to pee a lot and he has sensitive skin so he gets rashes pretty easy. I don't think I mentioned that it should be done when you put him to bed so you probably assumed he was all set. No big deal, just want to make sure you knew for next time : )

Also Emma was saying that Ethan had some hard candy and he was choking on that and that's what made him throw up. We usually don't give him things like that. I am not sure if he told you he could have it or not (it wouldn't surprise me....kids try to get away with everything when mom and dad aren't around) but again just so you know for next time we usually don't give him stuff like that. He gags enough on his own! lol! We just recently allowed him to start eating chips again. He usually threw up every time he ate those because he didn't chew them well enough. If you aren't sure if they can have it or not feel free to call, or just say no. He may pitch a fit, but in the long run it would save some hassle on your part (cleaning up puke) and hopefully prevent him from puking/choking all together. Just for future reference the candy he can have are plain M&M's, gummy bears, Hershey bar basically things that are soft.

Her response:

Andi,
I appreciated both of your emails so much! i'm too lucky to sit for such
a nice family, i really mean that.
i'm so sorry that you had to change all of ethan's bedding yesterday! i
promise to make sure that doesn't happen again. the first time i came
over, you had put him to bed already and so i guess this time i just
didn't think that there might be more to it. i'm sorry!
and about the candy.. you were right the first time thinking i gave it
to him. i didn't realize that was what caused him to cough- in
retrospect, i feel so stupid! he's just so tall, i tend to forget he's
only 2! and i also remembered when i came over to meet you, he was
allowed some halloween candy so i guess that's what i was thinking about
when i let him have the mint. i'm not trying to make excuses but just
explaining my thought process i guess.
stuff like this never happens to me, i feel so bad, so thank you for
being so understanding. nothing like this will happen again, i promise!
they're both such great kids, we have fun together :-) classes start
again monday, november 30th, so whatever day you and phil want to go out
again, just let me know! i can't believe you're pretty much done with
christmas shopping, i'm impressed haha. oh, and my test went alright..
not the greatest but i'm just glad it's done! thanks for asking, and
again i'm sorry about all the mess-ups! tell emma and ethan i say hi,
see you soon :-)
happy (early) thanksgiving!
c

It was nice of her to apologize and I accept that but as for her sitting for us again....I don't think so. It concerns me that when watching a 2 yr old whom you change clothing totally that night and it doesn't occur to you that there's diaper to change even when I specifically showed you the diapers.

Or that you gave a mint to a kid. First why do kids need mints? They are for bad breath...a child doesn't need it. And I never mentioned anything in my email about him being 2 yrs old. If she remembered it in the email why didn't she remember it then? Also she said that night she didn't know what happened when he puked.....I just get this feeling she did and she thought she would get away with it. People make mistakes but there are my kids here. If she had gotten up to see what was wrong with him when he was coughing then maybe I could cut some slack, but instead she hollered from the other room to stop coughing.

So my search continues...and....she's fired!

Wordless Wednesday

Where did my little girl go?

Lately I have been seeing a lot of changes in my 6 year old. She is moody, she lies, she is becoming more and more independent, she is asking more and more questions and it's totally taken me by surprise.

I am sure a lot of it has to do with the new house, new job, new school etc. and Phil and I are also under a lot of stress carrying both homes at the moment and we really don't know how much longer we will be able to do it.

Another part of me is thinking that she is almost 7 and perhaps she is starting to grow up. I mean really grow up. She is trying to find her own wings in a way. She gets embarrassed now by wearing a hat to school if others aren't wearing one. Her jacket embarrasses her because "it's to big and puffy" and the other kids jackets aren't. When did this happen? I wasn't prepared for any of this until she was at least 10! But here it is..staring me in the face. She is growing up, she is getting an opinion, she is trying to find her place out there in this world.

I just hope and pray I am able to direct her path and steer her in the right direction. I forgot that all this happens so much earlier with girls then boys. Girls begin puberty earlier...and not that I think she is going through puberty right now, but it is right around the corner.

I can't wait until that book comes!

Here is some stuff I have found out.

Adrenarche: Increased adrenal androgen secretion

1. Occurs between ages 6 to 8 years
2. Transient growth spurt
3. Some children develop axillary and pubic Hair Growth
4. No sexual development occurs

adrenarche (ad-ren-ar-ki) n. the start of secretion of androgens by the adrenal glands, occurring at around 6–7 years of age in girls and 7–8 in boys. Adrenal androgens are dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), DHEA sulphate, and androstenedione.

Making cookies

Tonight I decided to make peanut blossom cookies, you know the ones with the Hershey kiss on top. The kids were finishing up dinner when I pulled them out of the oven. Bad idea. Emma was finished with dinner so she was fine. Ethan on the other hand didn't eat a bite but wanted a cookie. I told him he has to eat one bite of hot dog before he could have a cookie. Well my darling son refused. After much coaxing I decided to let it go. No cookie for Ethan. Then he said he would eat one bite and chew it. So i placed it in his mouth. He did chew it, but then he spit it on the floor for the dog to eat. Still no cookie. He somehow thought that was the deal. Hey he did chew it after all. He was VERY upset that I still would not let him have a cookie. At this point honestly, I really don't care but it's about principal at this point. I told him one bite he hasn't eaten it so I have to stick to my guns. Anyway, now Ethan is very upset and crying and he says to Emma "Emma, mommy hates us!" LOL! I know it's not a nice thing to say but I found it very funny. He thinks that I hate him because I won't give him a cookie. Let's hope he grows out of this and doesn't think I hate him every time I tell him no! LOL!

What did you say?

Last Saturday we were getting ready to go to NY to get another load of our things. On his way to the shower Phil asked "What day is it?" I said "October 31st why?" He said "No reason." and proceeded to the bathroom to to shower. When he was done he came out of the bathroom in his towel as he usually does. Then he calls me into the bedroom...I think "I know where this is going!" lol! So that's what I say to him. And he's like no, that's not why I called you in here. Me, still convinced it was, was not buying it. He says "How much do you want to bet...that's not why I called you in here?" My response was "how do I know you aren't making something up to win the bet? So he acted all offended and said "I thought there were only 30 days in October? I thought today was the first of November." I said "Why what is the first of November, hunting?" He said "well yah, but also I think it's time to have another baby."
"Excuse me, what did you just say? Because I thought I heard you say you wanted another baby...but you couldn't have said that unless you were high or something."

Let me just say that he doesn't do drugs at all....I just said that to make a point. He would NEVER say that.

He said again..."no really I think it's time to have another baby."

I was speechless. This is rare. So I am happy to say we are officially "trying" to have another baby. I am so excited, but already a little sad. I know this will be my last.

I finally put two and two together though. He has always been up for another baby, it's just our insurance sucked. Now our new insurance kicked in as of November 1st and if we have a baby now it will cost us $200. That's it. Big difference from the $6000-$7000 we paid to have Ethan.

If you know me on Facebook as well, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't say anything about this on there. We don't want everyone to know especially with my history of miscarriage. We won't be telling people until I am well into my pregnancy (though I am sure I will post it here as family does not read this) because I don't want to have to break the news again if by some chance I loose another one. Although my track record is healthy baby, miscarried baby, healthy baby, miscarried baby. This will be pregnancy #5 (wow that's weird to say) so it should be ok...even still I don't want everyone to know right now. I couldn't help it though I had to tell someone.