Can you say, convicted?

I have messed up.

Lately I had been praying and wanting for God to take care of our needs. I have often quoted the verse: Luke 6:38 "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure-- pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return."

God spoke quietly to my heart. He said "you not a giver."
"Excuse me?"
"Your not a giver."
"What do you mean I am not a giver? I gave all those gifts to family for Christmas, I give to help out needy children, I give away my old clothing..what do you mean I am not a giver?"
"Your not a giver." And then revelation. I am a giver to those whom I choose to be a giver to. I often give to people who give back to me. Then there are those who ask for things and the excuses come. And for no other reason then I don't want to. Whether it be rooted in jealousy, pride, or being just plain stingy...I don't give. It could be something simple like recipe, or a baby item no matter what I always say no to certain people, and that's not right. Time after time I look over situations in which I could have given and did not. WOW! I don't want to be stingy.

So today the leaf has been turned. I asked God to forgive me and remind me when I am being stingy.
Help me to have giving, cheerful heart.

When all hope seems gone.

We are still struggling to get by these days. I have been praying a lot about it and God has spoken so many things to me.

The first one comes from I Thessalonians 5:18:

In everything give thanks;
for this is God's will
for you in Christ Jesus.

And on so many levels I am thankful. I am thankful that Phil has a job....let alone a NEW job.

I am thankful that he is so happy at this job. He loves the work, he loves the people, he loves the job.

I am thankful to have Phil home every single night.

I am thankful that at at time when my son needs his dad the most (this is around the age the boy/girls get their identity) that Phil is here and present in his life.

I am thankful for new adventures. I am anxious to see where this road will take us.



But then there is part of me that is still doubting this whole thing. Mostly because we are just scraping by with what he makes, and because we can't afford the house in NY anymore. Most likely we will have to go to forclosure. It's hard to imagine that could be God's will for us. But He can use all things for His good, and for some reason there isn't a buyer being sent to us and we can't keep up anymore so what are we supposed to do. Pray. That's all we can do.

But God is reminding me to remain thankful...because regardless of these circumstances He is allowing it...He is using it for His good. He is working it out.

During one of my prayer times I reminded God that HE is God of the impossible and asked if He could just give me a sign that things will be ok because I certainly don't feel that way.
I sat down to check my email and there was an email from Women of Faith and their teen conferences that they do. I normally ignore these because lets face it, I am far from a teenager and I don't have a teenager yet. But for some reason I clicked on this link Listen to what she says at the end.

Yesterday was kind of a bad day, I was growing weary of the test and my faith was coming up short. I read my Bible but was still having doubts.

This morning I woke up and at 10:30 watched Enjoying everyday life with Joyce Meyer. She was referencing several scriptures but near the end of her message she has us turn to Mark 10: 21-31. I read verses 21-24 with her and then decided to jump ahead a little not knowing whether she would go on or not.

Mark 10:27 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

So here I am again not being able to see the other side, or even seeing a way for any of this all to work out....and God keeps pumping this message to me saying "with God all things are possible." So today my prayer is that He help my faith and keep me strong so I can see how He is going to turn all this around. How God will come through. Because honestly...I can't see how it will be possible...but I trust that His promises are true.

Sensodyne Iso-Active toothpaste.

Recently I was selected to try out this new tooth paste from Sensodyne. The name of it is Sensodyne Iso-active and its really pretty cool. I have sensitive teeth on and off so I figured I would try this out and see how it works.

Pros:
Love that it comes in a can. It makes it hard for little fingers to squeeze it out all over my bathroom. And anything that prevents children from making more of a mess is a plus in my book.

It foams up better than any tooth paste I have EVER used. The foam just keeps on coming and coming.

My mouth felt really clean after using it.

It DID help tremendously with my sensitivity.

It's safe enough to use everyday. So those with ongoing sensitivity will find this tooth paste to be perfect!

Cons:

Because it's in a can it's hard to know when you will run out. If there were away to see how much you had left it would be a great improvement. Nothing worse then trying to rid yourself of dog breath and realizing you are out of tooth paste!

I didn't like the flavor. Actually, I'm not really sure what the flavor was because it wasn't listed on the can but it's the one with the blue lid. Probably peppermint which is not my mint of choice for tooth brushing. But that is all matter of personal opinion so really it's not that BIG of a negative.

Overall I think it's a great product! If I could get another flavor and see how much I had left in my can I would definitely purchase this product!

So go on now....go get yourself some, and see how fabulous it really is!

Romans 8:28 and 29

More Than Conquerors
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[a] who[b] have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

Just something I wanted to remember. Don't have time to blog on it now but I will pick up from here next week :)

Have a good weekend....now I have to stop my kids from killing each other ; )

I am SO over it.

The dog that is. I hate dogs have I mentioned that before? Well I guess I hate big dogs. Big dogs, big destruction, big poops, big food bills, big pains in the ass. Excuse the language but I am really ticked off right now.

We have had many of dogs over our 10 years of marriage and they have always been big dogs. One after another seems to end up finding a new home for one reason or another. When will we learn that WE meaning ME are not big dog people? I am the one at home all the time. I am the one who has to feed it, and let it out...and I know that seems so simple but the thing is you wouldn't believe how much our dog poops. One would think I am lying unless they saw it with their own eyes. He literally poops 3 times in one outdoor session and not just a little here a little there it's the real deal. Oh yah and letting him out consists of walking him outside on the invisible collar leash thing, and waiting for 20 mins (literally) for him to pick a spot and finally go and then he does his business and moves on to find another spot. Letting him out takes at least half an hour that has to be supervised because we don't have a fenced yard. So 30 mins X him needing to go out at least (not even kidding) 6 times from 6:30 am until 4pm when Phil gets home....THIS is 3 hours of my day.........wasted on a FREAKING DOG! Then he will come in go into the basement and pee and poop down there, even though he has already been outside for 3 hrs! STUPID FREAKING DOG!

He has a nice wooden kennel we purchased for him...you know the ones that look like a log dog house. I put him in it today when I left to pick up something for Emma. I was gone an hour. I came home and no word of a lie it looked like my house has been robbed. He got out of his kennel by pushing up on the roof until he moves it over and jumps out...then he ransacks my house. He broke coffee mugs, he pulled ornaments off the tree, he pulled the tree skirt off, he chewed up toys, he got black something or other or phil's ate it (I hope it kills him) and in the process got huge stains all over the NEW carpet in my son's room. He got things out of the trash. He tore apart bags with food in it and spread them all over the house. I can't take it anymore. This isn't the first time this has happened either.

This is a high maintenance dog is no one is maintaining him. I'm sorry but I am not walking a 40lb dog everyday in the freezing cold while trying to control a 2 yr old in a stroller nor do I feel like I have to because I don't even want him.

He was a pain at our old house as well and Phil said things would be different if he was home every night. He could walk him everyday and he would be better. Phil IS home every night now but do you think the dog gets walked every night NO! Do you think that when he wakes up he would let the dog out to go the bathroom and feed him...NO! He says he doesn't have time. Well guess what? I don't have time anymore either and something better be done with this dog before I take care of the problem. Everyone in the house likes the idea of the dog, but no one does a damn thing for him. I am tired of it. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I know this is very un-Christian of me but I think I need to get a say in this since I am the one who has to take care of it.
My main problem is that I feel guilty so when we find one a new home and everyone is sad...naturally I want to help them feel better and let them have a new dog. What am I thinking? I can't handle it....quite honestly it's not fair to the dog and I am being selfish and saying it's not fair to me. I have no problems with our little dog Gracie. I let her out she poops and pees outside she goes out 3 times a day does her business and comes in. She doesn't destroy everything, she doesn't need exercise...very low maintenance. I have enough trouble keeping up with everything never mind adding a stupid dog that needs so much attention.

So thank you for listening to my rant. I will keep you posted. I am done.

I just can't stop blogging today.

Boy do I have a lot to say today or what?

I was getting my 2 1/2 yr old son something to eat today and he was running around just being a kid, and I realized in the middle of such a mundane task how much I really am enjoying him. Then I immediately, felt kind of guilty because I don't know if there was a time I really enjoyed the moment with my daughter when she was the same age. I remember just wanting her to get on to the next thing. Plus life was stressful then. When she was two we had just moved to NY because the trailer park we were in (Navy housing) got closed down. Phil had a year left in the Navy but decided Emma and I should move to NY (as this is where he intended on living when he got out) and he would work in CT Mon-Fri and come home on weekends.

No wonder I am so weary. I have been doing a lot of this on my own since Emma turned 2. She will be 7 next month!

Plus, Ethan was a more demanding baby and had colic, and again I as on my own with 2 kids. Perhaps some of the enjoyment is coming from the fact that compared to back then....2 1/2 seems like a piece of cake.

This is just stirring up one memory after another. Phil and I have been through a lot in the past 10 yrs. Most people would not survive any of it. That's something to be thankful for right there.

And if your a new mom, or a seasoned mom....enjoy where they are at. It goes by all to quickly. Step away from the computer or dishes or laundry and just watch them play.....or better yet play with them. I can't get back those days with my daughter, but if I sit here feeling guilty over it, I will again miss the present with her.

Take lots of pictures and video too!!! I pull out my camera from time to time and record the silliest things. People tease me for how many pics and videos I have, but you know what? As I sit and look through all of it...I feel as if I still don't have enough. Time moves all to quickly....make the most of the time you have.

He's screaming louder

Turned on Joyce Meyer this morning and she taught on James 3:18.

Look at what that whole passage says :

James 3:13-18

Two Kinds of Wisdom
13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

Can I just say that I have been praying for wisdom. My goodness...have I had envy, bitterness, and selfishness in so many areas of my life lately. Lord forgive me. That alone answers the questions of "why so much chaos."

He's still talking.........

The past week has been a rough one, but I am feeling better now. I have spent a lot of time praying about our situation telling God how I felt and also asking forgiveness for being so selfish at times. It is so frustrating for me sometimes because I feel like I don't know what to do, or what God wants me to do. I was telling Him this and that I wished sometimes He could just audibly talk to me...even though I think it would scare the living daylights out of me, I would know without a doubt what He wanted for my life and what was His will.

After my long cry fest I went to the basement to do some laundry. We have a bookshelf down there with several books on it. For some reason I walked over to the shelf and saw a devotional book sitting there that I hadn't read since we moved. I have a tendency of doing that these days. Life has been pretty hectic so I will start a book, put it down forget about it and start yet another. I think I have about 4 of them going right now : ) but that is besides the point. Anyway, I noticed the books and then turned to walk away and load the washer. Then something in my head said get that book and read it. Pick up where you left off. I almost didn't listen, but then thought I should grab it.
I loaded the washer and with book in tow headed back upstairs. I opened it up and began reading and the section I am on is all about hard times. Hmmmmmm....coincidence? I think not.

A few things really stood out to me and I will paraphrase them hear for you.

First one An Unending Supply by Sheila Walsh

John 2:1-5 (New International Version)

John 2
Jesus Changes Water to Wine
1On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there, 2and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. 3When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine."

4"Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied, "My time has not yet come."

5His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."

Sheila used this verse to shine some light in my life. She was saying of all the miracles Jesus preformed why was this his first? It seems pretty insignificant considering what He could do.
In the story the servants brought the empty jars to Jesus. He told them to fill them with water, and He did the rest. Not only did Jesus do the rest but He gave them so much more then they needed (wine that is).

The point for me is that I have to do my part and there are limitations on what I can do. I can't make it all happen, neither could the men who filled the jars with water and brought them to Jesus. All I can do is take what I have, give it to Him and let Him do the rest. This miracle was a sign that Jesus is who He says He is and if we do our part He will give us so much more then we think we need.

The second one I read was "He Giveth More Grace" by Mary Graham

Ecclesiastes 7:14 NIV

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.

John 16:33 (New International Version)

33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (New International Version)

18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Sometimes I loose sight of this. God uses all the garbage to strengthen us. Whether it be our faith, or patience, or maybe just to make us more aware.

This was the case when I lost my babies. It was such a hard thing to go through, especially to have to do it twice. Quite honestly it's the most painful thing I've ever dealt with. But the only way out of it was through it. I had to feel the pain and turn to God who was the only one who could truly understand. That whole experience has given me greater compassion towards those who do loose a child. It's something that you can't fully understand unless you have gone through it. How much a tiny being really touches your life...though you never really knew them.
I have to trust that what we are going through now will have the same outcome. Even though I don't see the end result God will take care of it. He's will use this and me to show His love through all of it.

A hymn written by Annie Johnson Flint "He Giveth More Grace"

"He giveth more grace as the burdens grow greater.
He giveth more strength as our labors increase.
To added affliction, he added His mercy;
To multiplied sorrows He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
when our strength has failed when the day is half done,
when we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun....

His love has no limits
His love has no measure
His power no boundary known unto men
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
he giveth, and giveth and giveth again.

And the last one Resting in Grace by Sandi Patty as excerpt from her devotion

"It is the coolest thing to know that God will always give us just what we need when we need it. Never early, never late, but just when we need it."

How true that is. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the circumstance I forget to look back on God's faithfulness. The wait can be excruciatingly painful but He always shows up just in time. I often think I know what the timing should be and get anxious and ticked when it doesn't happen. But then we somehow make it through...and when God does comes through its usually at a time that is much more desperate.
Thank God, that He knows better then me.

I love how God does that. I talk to Him and I have to admit I get mad sometimes waiting in the silence. I wish He could just shout to me. But then when I least expect it, He uses every avenue around me to "shout" in His own way. Learn to listen to the small voices that tell you to do something. Often times it's God trying to get your attention. Trying to let you know that He is still there, and still cares even if YOU cannot always feel it. That's part of what faith is. Trusting God, even when you think He isn't there. Faith isn't about feelings.

And above all, try to remember that God will not always answer you in the same way He has answered others. That was a tough one for me. I saw someone who was in the same boat as us with moving and selling their house. In this economy, they sold their house in 6 weeks! Praise God! I kept comparing my situation to theirs. "well their house sold so surely you can do that for us." I even counted down "well God it's been 6 weeks...come on now sell the house for us."
But truth is, it's not like God isn't answering us...it's just not His plan for us. But that's ok....(took me a while to get there)He has something else in store for us. And even if it comes down to us loosing that house He can turn that around for our good. He can use that. I truly believe with all my heart that this job has been given to us as a gift from Him. Phil is home every night, the company is great, he loves his job etc. So why wouldn't God take care of the rest? He will....just not the way I think is best.
And everywhere I turn He is screaming the message in my face. "I am here....you will have troubles, but I am here. Do what you can, and I will do the rest. I will show up in just the right time."

Is God trying to speak to you? He speaks in unusual ways, so be sure to keep your eyes and ears open because you'll never know what He will use.

Measuring Up

"Look in the Old Testament at Joseph's life-rejection, harassment, and injustice. And what was the result? A wise man came forth out of the prison, one who rose up to handle the responsibility of being second in command over the most powerful nation in the world at the time. Somehow Joseph was able to trust God's love regardless of being locked in a cell for an offense he didn't commit.

When I have to sit long in a doctor's waiting cell-I mean, office-I get whiny. I can't imagine Joseph's years in a dank creepy room without peanut butter or Nick at Nite.

I have to remind myself when times crowd in with pressure, when people hurt my feelings, when my job loses its appeal, then my children fail to heed my advice, and when the newspapers read like doomsday reports, that God didn't promise life would be easy but that he would be with us as Buzz Lightyear(children's hero) would say, "To infinity and beyond!"

God can take a jail sentence and use it for the good of the prisoner, whether we are incarcerated behind iron bars or emotional ones. He uses our rejection issues to tutor us in the importance of compassion and inclusion. And harassment is just the right material to teach us the importance knowing who we are in Christ, so we are not intimidated or persuaded that we are hopeless.

So today if you are wondering how you measure up, rest assured that God is on your side. And if you are trying to figure out God's measurements, know that his love is beyond knowledge. Try as we might, we cannot fully comprehend the immeasurable love of God-although one of the indicators is Jesus."---excerpt from Women of Faith Devotional Infinite Grace "Measuring Up" by Patsy Clairmont.

P31 devotional this morning

I told you God is always speaking to me! Thank you God!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Invisible Woman
Shari Braendel

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." Romans 12:10 (NIV)

Margaret was new to the area and decided to visit a few local churches and Bible studies before she chose where to attend regularly. Unfortunately, it turned out the same everywhere she went: no one acknowledged her.

They didn't even seem to see her. She was left feeling like a small fish in a big sea. "How am I ever going to meet anyone, let alone make a friend?" she thought to herself, as she uncomfortably poured herself a cup of coffee in the foyer of a church.

Recently, I had a conversation with Margaret and she reminisced with me about the time she felt so alone in that foyer full of women. She made me giggle when she revealed how she entertained herself during those lonely times by wearing the same outfit on purpose for weeks in a row. She was convinced that it just didn't matter because no one would remember her anyway.

Although Margaret felt alone and invisible, she was not. Jesus said, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" (Luke 12:6-7, NIV). Not only did God see her that day, but He knew what kind of hair day she was having!

I know how Margaret felt. My son started a new school this year and I found myself in a similar situation. As I attended my first PTA meeting, I looked around the room and didn't know a soul. I noticed I wasn't the only one by myself. There were other women who appeared not to know anyone either. Many were sitting alone, pretending to be at ease, yet not looking upward or outward; just awkwardly tending to their refreshments. Everyone else was talking and laughing in groups of two's and three's, unaware that there were isolated women in the room.

How do we become so involved with ourselves that we forget about others who might be new or lonely? I think about Margaret's story and I wonder, "Am I so caught up with what's going on with me that I forget it's not all about me?" Perhaps meetings, Bible studies or holiday parties aren't all about the girlfriends I already know, but about reaching out to someone who is searching for a welcoming friend.

I've been challenging myself to look beyond my familiar circle, and I want to invite you to do the same. Wherever you go, look around the room and find someone who is by herself. Walk up to her and say hello. Ask some questions about how long she's been coming and how you might help her feel connected and welcomed in that particular situation. You may just be the one that helps her realize she's not invisible – she's noticed – by God and by you.

Dear Lord, I pray as I go about my business that you will help me to become more aware of others. I pray that I seek out those who feel uncomfortable or who might be new. Help me step outside myself and approach someone who needs to be noticed. I pray I realize it's not all about me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Poor, poor, pittiful me....... : )

5 chapters into the book Calm My Anxious Heart (finding contentment) and I realize how discontent I really am.

There's been alot of things that have gone on recently and I think maybe now they are catching up to me and I am ready to explode. Childhood insecurities are all flooding back and it's a feeling that is all to familiar and one that is not welcomed at all.

I recently had a good friend of mine, stop talking to me because.....well I'm not really sure why. My husband had said something that upset her so she stopped talking to me. She said she felt like she couldn't tell me anything anymore about her life (even though I never broke any confidence this was an observation my husband made and he stated his opinion). So I lost a friend, but sometimes I guess that happens. But for me it's a huge deal. I have never been one to have to many friends. Not really sure why but it's always been that way. I was teased a lot as a kid and only had one friend from kindergarten to 6th grade. That relationship went down the tubes when I changed schools. I'm not really sure why people picked on me so much. I was shy as a child, but nobody seemed to like me.

This carried over into junior high and high school. I went to a christian school but I found that sometimes those kids are even worse. My high school was small. 7 kids total. My senior year I was the oldest in the class (grades 9-12) and I was the only one who graduated that year. Again I had one good friend...she is still a really good friend but she lives 10 hours away.

Now I am an adult and I feel like I still haven't mastered the friend thing. But one thing I can say of myself is that I am loyal. I may not have a lot of friends but once you are friend there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I think that's why I get so deeply hurt when people stop talking to me for no reason.
The thing that I don't understand and I am so jealous of (I know, jealousy is not good) is the people who seem to get it all. They have friends everywhere. People bend over backwards for them. I know people who get so many things given to them freely and I can't help but think sometimes why not me?
Why can't things be easy for me for once? I feel like at times I have to beg people to come here.....and it's pretty pathetic. I have to beg my own family to visit. I called some family on Thanksgiving just to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and they don't even give me the courtesy of answering the phone or returning the call after we leave messages. I have people tell me they saw I called but didn't want to answer the phone. And I know you may think it's all in my head, but I don't think they have ever answered the phone when I call. I get answered back by text or email. So what is it that I am doing wrong? I feel like I annoy people. I feel like a door mat sometimes. It's hard for me to care anymore.

I sit and go over in my head what could it be that I do? Do I talk to much? Too little? Did I say something wrong? This sounds foolish, but why don't people like me? I know I sound petty and childish right now I'm just upset. I try not to let these things bother me but they just do.

I can't recall a time in my life when things have just been easy. We have always struggled and worked hard for what we have and do. I know people who get handed money, trips, clothes you name it. And it's good for them, I try not to be jealous. But these people aren't christian's. And life isn't all about material things. I know this. But right now we are just scraping by barely holding our head above water and some people just get one thing after another. Why is it that some people have so much "luck" and then there's the rest of us just scrape by.

I thank God for always providing don't get me wrong. Let me give you an example.....One year we went away and came back and we got our taxes back...not much money only a few hundred that yr, but still it was something. Though when we got back...our hot water heater broke. Praise God, we had the money but not for something "fun." We were given money for our move etc to come here. We were fronted some money as a bonus....but we have taken a cut in pay and we are carrying two houses right now. The one for sale hasn't even had anyone look at it. So that money, is being used for bills. Praise God we have it, but at the same time...HELLO! We may end up loosing our house...we can't afford both for very long. No one seems to be buying.....heck no one is even looking at ours. We have only been there for 4 yrs...we have no equity, we didn't plan on moving. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I was offered a weeks trip to Miami this past October with my grandmother. I couldn't go because I didn't have anyone that would take my kids. But that's nothing new.

I don't want a million dollars, just enough to pay off our debt and get out of our old house. I don't need 50 friends....just a handful will do. I am not saying that some of this isn't a result of our sin. Have we used credit cards? yes....that's why we have debt. I am not perfect. It just seems as if others can do the same thing as I do and still get handed everything. And I know I can't look at others and do as they do and expect the same results. God has a different plan for all of us. I just wish things were a little easier for us.
I don't really know what I wanted or expected from this post. It was mostly just to vent. I am emotional right now and just stressed to the max, and I am being human and throwing a temper tantrum!
I desperately need to learn to be content.

***as a side note it seems like every area of my life is like this that's why I am so down about it lately. I don't even have a normal mom. She has so many issues and we can't have a normal relationship. I feel like I always get the raw end of the deal though I know it all works itself out for a reason.

My husband's stupid dog whom I despise only ruins my stuff. Since I've lived here (2 months)he's put huge holes in 5 of my blankets one which I got when I got married, one which was new on my new bed and two I didn't really care about but still that's not the point. He has chewed up my bathrobe, put a hole in the hood of my new sweatshirt and last night ate a pair of my pants! Why my stuff? See where this is going. Every stinking area of life right now seems to be in chaos.

I know, such a somber depressing post especially after my month of thankfulness......this too shall pass.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (New International Version)

18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 1:6-7 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ********

Again, God knows my heart and I cry out to him and express my feelings as wrong as they are sometimes and at every turn He is there speaking to me. Thank you Lord...that you never leave or forsake us.

BFN

No baby this month. I have taken 2 tests and although there are no physical signs yet that I am not pregnant I believe the tests.

I hate the whole trying process. It's such an emotional roller coaster. I am not one to wait patiently either. The minute I am late I go bazerk and assume I am prego. No such luck though. Oh well, maybe next month. :)

A yucky day

The events of today were great. I had a fun day. But my feelings....not so much. I feel really sick to my stomach. Flu or pregnancy or mind playing tricks on me? 2 more days until we see.

Thank You God!!!

We thank you, O God! We give thanks because you are near. People everywhere tell of your wonderful deeds. Psalm 75:1

I wanted to tell of one of God's wonderful deeds for us. We have been trying to adjust to this new life here, and the big cut in pay that we took. It's been nerve wracking seeing the bills (trying to carry two houses still) and seeing the paycheck. This month we were going to be short. I was praying and praying asking God to provide. He opened up the doors to this amazing opportunity so naturally He would provide for our needs. As the days dragged on, and the anxiety rose I began to pray each day. God told me to thank Him for today's blessings and take the bills as they come. One day at a time. So with much anxiety I listened and began to pay them one by one. And guess what? We had enough money, but there was still a pile with due dates quickly approaching. He said to trust Him and just focus on today. I asked for a sign and every where I turned something reinforced all of this to me. Whether it be in my devotional, in the television preacher (whom I don't normally watch but it was on this channel when I turned it on), or something I heard on KLOVE. It all matched.

And I am happy to say, that with only a few days left in the month of Nov all of our bills will be paid. Praise God!!!! He does provide. Keep your eyes on Him and let Him take care of the rest. Sometimes it's easier said then done, but the best advice I got was when the anxiety creeps in....pray. Tell God. The only way to get peace is to keep the lines of communication with Him open.

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness, we truly don't deserve the good gifts you give to us.....and because of that I am even more grateful.

I almost missed it

I am trying to concentrate on taking life one day at a time. There is nothing I can do about yesterday, and tomorrow may not come. I am trying to be content and have faith.
I still have a lot of anxiety about our situation and I think that's normal. I was reading about Jesus in the garden on Gasthemene and something struck me like it never had before. I know Jesus was under stress as he was praying asking the cup be removed from him, but I never really realized that he was scared. He had that real, raw emotion. He didn't want to die, even though he had experienced what was on the other side. He knew what heaven was like and He was still afraid to go through what he had to go through. Perhaps it wasn't so much about dying, but more about the manner in which is was to happen nevertheless he was still scared. He was so young.

He had great anxiety about his situation and what did he do? He prayed. He prayed to his Father for his will to be done. He admitted that He didn't really want to go through this. 3 times He prayed that this cup be taken from him.

Matthew 26:36-43

36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane. He said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray."

37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him. He began to be sad and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, "My soul is very sad. I feel close to death. Stay here. Keep watch with me."

39 He went a little farther. Then he fell with his face to the ground. He prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering away from me. But let what you want be done, not what I want."

40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Couldn't you men keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Peter. 41 "Watch and pray. Then you won't fall into sin when you are tempted. The spirit is willing. But the body is weak."

42 Jesus went away a second time. He prayed, "My Father, is it possible for this cup to be taken away? But if I must drink it, may what you want be done."

43 Then he came back. Again he found them sleeping. They couldn't keep their eyes open. 44 So he left them and went away once more. For the third time he prayed the same thing.

My lesson from this:

Even Jesus dealt with anxiety.
When He felt this He prayed.
He prayed not once, but three times. He prayed until "the time had come for the Son of Man to be handed over."

When we are anxious, lets follow Jesus' example. Pray when you feel that anxiety creeping up.
Be honest with God. Tell Him you are scared, that you don't want to deal with this. He already knows what you feel....may as well make it known in your words.
Continue to petition God with your request. Sometimes I feel like I ask and pray for something and if I keep bringing it up I am being annoying. He is God after all and surely He knows what my troubles are. But God doesn't get tired of us coming to Him. He wants us to lean on Him and trust Him.

Matthew 7:11 (New International Version)

11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

1Thes.5:16-18

16Rejoice always;

17pray without ceasing;

18in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

But in all of this praying for the big thing...that really in God's scheme of things isn't that big...I almost missed a little blessing. We have been sleeping on an air mattress since we moved here on Oct 4th. We went back to get our bed but slept on it in NY and realized the 10 yr old mattress made us feel worse then sleeping on the air mattress. So we bought a new mattress 2 weeks ago and are waiting for delivery. Well 2 nights ago the air mattress popped. Not sure what happened probably a result of one of our animals, but anyway. I prayed yesterday that even though this was silly, could God please speed up the shipping process of this mattress. We desperately needed it and could it please ship by the end of the week. I went to check my email and wouldn't you know it the mattress was being loaded on the truck yesterday morning. PRAISE GOD! I looked at estimated delivery and it said Nov. 25-Dec 2nd.....EEEK!!!! So again I just quickly and simply said...Lord please let it get delivered before that. The company is 4 hrs away so it didn't make sense why it would take so long to get here if it shipped yesterday.

****As a side note....we went to a mattress store found out what we liked and then left to find the best deal online. I saved myself $700 off the retail store price we just had to wait longer for arrival. ****

This morning at 10:15 a gentleman called as said "I have your mattress can I deliver it today." "ABSOLUTELY!!!!"
Praise God!!!! He is faithful even in the small things...now if I can only be patient for this big hurdle. : ) But it was if God answered and said "I hear you, I can do anything...even deliver your mattress a week early...and I will take care of the other stuff...but in MY time." Thank you God!

Finding contentment in an envious world

I am reading a book by Linda Dillow called " Calm my anxious heart." A Women's Guide to Finding Contentment. This book is fantastic. I recommend it to all of you. If you don't already have it get a copy, and if you can't afford a copy I have one extra so leave me a comment and I will send it to you!

There is a story in here of two monks. I want to post it here for you.

"I need oil" said an ancient monk, so he planted an olive sapling. "Lord," he prayed, "it needs rain that its tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers. "Lord," prayed the monk, "my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray thee." And the sun shone, gilding the dripping clouds. "Now frost, my Lord, to brace its tissues." cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frost, but at evening it died.

Then the monk sought the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. "I, too, planted a little tree," he said, "and see! It thrives well. But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better what it needs than a man like me. I laid no condition. I fixed not ways or means. "Lord, send what it needs, 'I prayed, 'storm or sunshine, wind rain, or frost. Thou has made it and Thou dost know."

This little story can apply to so many areas in my life. Right now with our transition from NY to WV, with my kids lives as they grow, with jobs, with school choices etc. God is the one who made us and He knows best.

I am a bit embarrassed to say that I am more often the first monk. I am a thinker and a planner, and I am in no means, patient.
When I first read the story I thought "How great God is answering the first monk's prayers. Now why can't mine be answered when I call upon Him?" Then I got to the second monk and had that big ah ha moment. The light bulbs went on in the attic. Even if He did answer all the prayer requests I put before Him to my liking it may not be His will for me. In the end I could still end up a dead tree. It's hard to keep your focus on these things when all you can see is physical circumstances that seem impossible.

We think if only we had a baby, or another baby. If only I had more money. If only I could work or stay home with my kids. If only my house were cleaner. If only we had a bigger house, a better car, a better church....then I would be happy. But often we get those things, and they bring on a whole new set of problems and stresses. The grass isn't greener on the other side.

We need to learn to accept what has been given to us. After, I lost my second baby I was devastated. I couldn't imagine why God would have done this and how I would ever get through. I prayed and told Him this. Why was it this way? If only I had that child, I would have been happy. Afterall Jane Doe was popping them out left and right and she seemed overjoyed. That should have been me.
If I hadn't of lost my second child, I never would have gotten to meet my third. My son. Who by the way is pretty amazing! God has opened doors and brought women to me who have lost their own children. My son is a testimony to God's mercy and love.
I remember bringing my son home from the hospital and saying to Phil that at the moment I was so happy, I was content.

The point is we need to stop comparing ourselves to someone else. Because guess what? We are not them. God has His own plan for our lives. Some of us have a little more rain then others, but God is there in the rain. All of this is molding us to become the woman God wants us to be.

I am beginning to learn to look only at today. All we have is the moment we are in. God doesn't promise tomorrow....the future is God's and God's alone. So today I am grateful for the gifts of yesterday. He provided our needs, we got through. This morning I am grateful that he chose to give me another day and our needs are being met. And tomorrow....well we'll tackle that one when and if it comes.

Philippians 4:6-8 (Amplified Bible)

6Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition ([a]definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.

7And God's peace [shall be yours, that [b]tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall [c]garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

8For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].

I leave you with this question. Which monk are you?

Help Wanted

As some of you know I was on the hunt for a babysitter. We just moved here and have no one to watch our kids and with Phil having a more normal job that has Christmas parties and such, it became a necessity to find someone. Plus I won't lie, it's nice to go out without the kids every once and a while.

I signed up for this website sittercity and found a girl who was near by. She came over and met the kids they seemed to hit it off so we hired her. The first night I put Ethan done to sleep before we left so she just had to deal with Emma who would only be up for about an hour until she had to go to bed herself.

First night, no problems everything was great.

We asked her to come over again.

This time we had to leave earlier so Ethan was awake. I set out their pajamas showed her where they were and laid out 5 diapers so she could change him etc. (not that she would need 5 diapers but you get the point.)
When we got home she said all went well but something weird had happened. Ethan had puked. She said she didn't even realize he had puked Emma told her.

This isn't unusual for Ethan because he gets in these coughing fits and they get out of hand and if you don't stop him he does indeed puke.

I thought this is what happened. I apologized for not telling her that he does that sometimes, paid her and she left.

The next morning Ethan woke up crying. He literally had pee from his pillow all the way down to his feet. I went to check the stack of diapers I had left...and wouldn't you know it there were still 5 diapers there. She never changed him. We left at 5:30 and his diaper had last been changed at about 3 so that means the poor kids went about 17 hours with the same diaper on. I was pissed. But then I thought well maybe she just forgot because he was sleeping last time. But then I thought about it again....he puked and needed his pajama's changed. Not only that but she put on his first set of pajama's. 2 opportunities where the diaper was staring her right in the face and she didn't change it. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

I casually said to Emma..."so Ethan puked last night huh?" not digging for into but who cares if I was...these are my kids I have a right to ask. She said "yes". Then she says "Is Ethan allowed to have mints?" I thought this was a weird question. Maybe she had given him a tic tac after he puked cause it breath smelled or something. "What kind of mints Emma? Show me." She pulls out the bag of Starlight mints we had. You know what kind I am talking about right....the ones that are red and white like candy canes and they are hard and shaped like a life saver without the hole. YAH those HARD candy mints! "The babysitter gave Ethan one and that is what he was choking on when he threw up." WHAT!!!!!! Then I start prodding. Emma tells me that Ethan saw them there and asked C for one. She said yes. Emma and Ethan were sitting at the computer playing a game while C ate dinner. Ethan swallowed the mint and starting coughing and choking. Instead of getting up to see what was going on C continued to eat and was telling Ethan to stop coughing. Then he puked so she had to get up.

First of all, you don't give hard candy mints to a 2 yr old. Quite honestly, I don't give them to my 6 yr old. It's not something they need and I have swallowed one to many in my childhood to know its not a pleasant experience at all. So my kids don't get them.
Secondly you don't put two and two together? You just gave a BABY a hard candy and a few mins later he begins to cough and choke. You don't get off your ass to see what's going on? I'm sorry but this really irritates me. He could have stopped breathing, he could have died. Thank God he didn't.

That day she was in class all day and I wanted an explanation. I wrote her a very nice email putting some of the blame on myself to see what she would say. I didn't want to attack her so as you will see I posted a lot of it on me just to see what happened. Also this is while we were still thinking of giving her a second chance.

Here is a copy of that:

Hey C,

Thanks again for watching the kids last night! They really like you.

Ethan woke up this morning and he was soaked from head to toe including all his bedding. I am not sure if you had changed his diaper right before bed, but if not could you do that next time? With all the milk he drinks before bed he tends to pee a lot and he has sensitive skin so he gets rashes pretty easy. I don't think I mentioned that it should be done when you put him to bed so you probably assumed he was all set. No big deal, just want to make sure you knew for next time : )

Also Emma was saying that Ethan had some hard candy and he was choking on that and that's what made him throw up. We usually don't give him things like that. I am not sure if he told you he could have it or not (it wouldn't surprise me....kids try to get away with everything when mom and dad aren't around) but again just so you know for next time we usually don't give him stuff like that. He gags enough on his own! lol! We just recently allowed him to start eating chips again. He usually threw up every time he ate those because he didn't chew them well enough. If you aren't sure if they can have it or not feel free to call, or just say no. He may pitch a fit, but in the long run it would save some hassle on your part (cleaning up puke) and hopefully prevent him from puking/choking all together. Just for future reference the candy he can have are plain M&M's, gummy bears, Hershey bar basically things that are soft.

Her response:

Andi,
I appreciated both of your emails so much! i'm too lucky to sit for such
a nice family, i really mean that.
i'm so sorry that you had to change all of ethan's bedding yesterday! i
promise to make sure that doesn't happen again. the first time i came
over, you had put him to bed already and so i guess this time i just
didn't think that there might be more to it. i'm sorry!
and about the candy.. you were right the first time thinking i gave it
to him. i didn't realize that was what caused him to cough- in
retrospect, i feel so stupid! he's just so tall, i tend to forget he's
only 2! and i also remembered when i came over to meet you, he was
allowed some halloween candy so i guess that's what i was thinking about
when i let him have the mint. i'm not trying to make excuses but just
explaining my thought process i guess.
stuff like this never happens to me, i feel so bad, so thank you for
being so understanding. nothing like this will happen again, i promise!
they're both such great kids, we have fun together :-) classes start
again monday, november 30th, so whatever day you and phil want to go out
again, just let me know! i can't believe you're pretty much done with
christmas shopping, i'm impressed haha. oh, and my test went alright..
not the greatest but i'm just glad it's done! thanks for asking, and
again i'm sorry about all the mess-ups! tell emma and ethan i say hi,
see you soon :-)
happy (early) thanksgiving!
c

It was nice of her to apologize and I accept that but as for her sitting for us again....I don't think so. It concerns me that when watching a 2 yr old whom you change clothing totally that night and it doesn't occur to you that there's diaper to change even when I specifically showed you the diapers.

Or that you gave a mint to a kid. First why do kids need mints? They are for bad breath...a child doesn't need it. And I never mentioned anything in my email about him being 2 yrs old. If she remembered it in the email why didn't she remember it then? Also she said that night she didn't know what happened when he puked.....I just get this feeling she did and she thought she would get away with it. People make mistakes but there are my kids here. If she had gotten up to see what was wrong with him when he was coughing then maybe I could cut some slack, but instead she hollered from the other room to stop coughing.

So my search continues...and....she's fired!

Wordless Wednesday

Where did my little girl go?

Lately I have been seeing a lot of changes in my 6 year old. She is moody, she lies, she is becoming more and more independent, she is asking more and more questions and it's totally taken me by surprise.

I am sure a lot of it has to do with the new house, new job, new school etc. and Phil and I are also under a lot of stress carrying both homes at the moment and we really don't know how much longer we will be able to do it.

Another part of me is thinking that she is almost 7 and perhaps she is starting to grow up. I mean really grow up. She is trying to find her own wings in a way. She gets embarrassed now by wearing a hat to school if others aren't wearing one. Her jacket embarrasses her because "it's to big and puffy" and the other kids jackets aren't. When did this happen? I wasn't prepared for any of this until she was at least 10! But here it is..staring me in the face. She is growing up, she is getting an opinion, she is trying to find her place out there in this world.

I just hope and pray I am able to direct her path and steer her in the right direction. I forgot that all this happens so much earlier with girls then boys. Girls begin puberty earlier...and not that I think she is going through puberty right now, but it is right around the corner.

I can't wait until that book comes!

Here is some stuff I have found out.

Adrenarche: Increased adrenal androgen secretion

1. Occurs between ages 6 to 8 years
2. Transient growth spurt
3. Some children develop axillary and pubic Hair Growth
4. No sexual development occurs

adrenarche (ad-ren-ar-ki) n. the start of secretion of androgens by the adrenal glands, occurring at around 6–7 years of age in girls and 7–8 in boys. Adrenal androgens are dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), DHEA sulphate, and androstenedione.

Making cookies

Tonight I decided to make peanut blossom cookies, you know the ones with the Hershey kiss on top. The kids were finishing up dinner when I pulled them out of the oven. Bad idea. Emma was finished with dinner so she was fine. Ethan on the other hand didn't eat a bite but wanted a cookie. I told him he has to eat one bite of hot dog before he could have a cookie. Well my darling son refused. After much coaxing I decided to let it go. No cookie for Ethan. Then he said he would eat one bite and chew it. So i placed it in his mouth. He did chew it, but then he spit it on the floor for the dog to eat. Still no cookie. He somehow thought that was the deal. Hey he did chew it after all. He was VERY upset that I still would not let him have a cookie. At this point honestly, I really don't care but it's about principal at this point. I told him one bite he hasn't eaten it so I have to stick to my guns. Anyway, now Ethan is very upset and crying and he says to Emma "Emma, mommy hates us!" LOL! I know it's not a nice thing to say but I found it very funny. He thinks that I hate him because I won't give him a cookie. Let's hope he grows out of this and doesn't think I hate him every time I tell him no! LOL!

What did you say?

Last Saturday we were getting ready to go to NY to get another load of our things. On his way to the shower Phil asked "What day is it?" I said "October 31st why?" He said "No reason." and proceeded to the bathroom to to shower. When he was done he came out of the bathroom in his towel as he usually does. Then he calls me into the bedroom...I think "I know where this is going!" lol! So that's what I say to him. And he's like no, that's not why I called you in here. Me, still convinced it was, was not buying it. He says "How much do you want to bet...that's not why I called you in here?" My response was "how do I know you aren't making something up to win the bet? So he acted all offended and said "I thought there were only 30 days in October? I thought today was the first of November." I said "Why what is the first of November, hunting?" He said "well yah, but also I think it's time to have another baby."
"Excuse me, what did you just say? Because I thought I heard you say you wanted another baby...but you couldn't have said that unless you were high or something."

Let me just say that he doesn't do drugs at all....I just said that to make a point. He would NEVER say that.

He said again..."no really I think it's time to have another baby."

I was speechless. This is rare. So I am happy to say we are officially "trying" to have another baby. I am so excited, but already a little sad. I know this will be my last.

I finally put two and two together though. He has always been up for another baby, it's just our insurance sucked. Now our new insurance kicked in as of November 1st and if we have a baby now it will cost us $200. That's it. Big difference from the $6000-$7000 we paid to have Ethan.

If you know me on Facebook as well, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't say anything about this on there. We don't want everyone to know especially with my history of miscarriage. We won't be telling people until I am well into my pregnancy (though I am sure I will post it here as family does not read this) because I don't want to have to break the news again if by some chance I loose another one. Although my track record is healthy baby, miscarried baby, healthy baby, miscarried baby. This will be pregnancy #5 (wow that's weird to say) so it should be ok...even still I don't want everyone to know right now. I couldn't help it though I had to tell someone.

He wont' go away.

I woke up this morning and let the dogs out as I do every morning. When I opened the door there sitting on my back steps was Mr. Butterfly! I am sure some of you must be thinking he is a dead butterfly, but I assure you that he is alive and well. He just happens to like our new house.

I came back in the house to get my daughter up for school. I got her ready and we proceeded to walk to the bus stop. As I crossed the street I noticed the house (not ours a neighbors) has 3 monarch butterfly statues adhered to the outer wall. Hmmmmm. Definitely an eyebrow raiser.

When I got home I thought I would look up what butterflies represent. I am not all into believing that everything means something, but I do think that God can speak to us in unusual ways. And the fact that I keep seeing him, and now other butterflies of the same kind makes me wonder.

So here is what I found: Butterflies represent transformation- from the old, then a process of change or refinement, to the new. It is a common icon within both Christianity (symbolizing 'the old self', 'salvation', 'the new self')

Butterfly animal symbolism speaks of:

* Resurrection
* Transition
* Celebration
* Lightness
* Time
* Soul
Overwhelmingly, cultural myth and lore honor the butterfly as a symbol of transformation because of its impressive process of metamorphosis.

From egg, to larvae (caterpillar), to pupa (the chrysalis or cocoon) and from the cocoon the butterfly emerges in her unfurling glory.

What a massive amount of transition this tiny creature undergoes. Consider for a moment the kind of energy this expends. I daresay if a human were to go through this kind of change we’d freak out!

Imagine the whole of your life changing to such an extreme you are unrecognizable at the end of the transformation. Mind you, this change takes place in a short span of about a month too (that’s how long the butterfly life cycle is).

Herein lies the deepest symbolic lesson of the butterfly. She asks us to accept the changes in our lives as casually as she does. The butterfly unquestioningly embraces the chances of her environment and her body.

This unwavering acceptance of her metamorphosis is also symbolic of faith. Here the butterfly beckons us to keep our faith as we undergo transitions in our lives. She understands that our toiling, fretting and anger are useless against the turning tides of nature – she asks us to recognize the same.

Interestingly, in many cultures the butterfly is associated with the soul – further linking our animal symbolism of faith with the butterfly.

Very, very interesting.

Visitor

This guy has been hanging around the house since we moved in. Today I really stopped to notice him. He kind of took my breath away when I walked outside this morning and saw him there. I ran back inside and grabbed the camera to capture this, perhaps for the last time this year. Enjoy!

Today I am thankful

I was looking back on some of my old posts from when I started this blog. One of my main concerns back then was how we were ever going to be able to pay off the birth of Ethan. We had a good $5000 in medical bills, and then our insurance changed so we had probably another $1000 on top of that for his trip to the E.R. when he burned his hand, and some routine visits. This was a huge burden for us and had no idea how we would pay it off.

I firmly believe though, if God has bless you with children he will provide for their needs. He promises this to us in His word.

I am happy to say that yesterday I paid off the last $63. Thank God! It took 2 yrs, but we have chugged away at it and little by little the debt began to shrink! Somehow, the money was provided and we had enough!

Thanks to God who always provides and for the sweet reminder that we should trust in Him. In may not happen in our time, but He does promise to provide our needs. Our biggest one being the sale of our house right now...so I trust that He will work that out for us as well.

Crazy life

We have been here for almost 2 weeks now. Things are still pretty crazy. I have no car because we only have one at the moment and Phil takes it to work each day so I am house bound for now. He is trying to work a deal where he trades his 4-wheeler for a vehicle and there may be a very good prospect on Saturday. It will be nice to have 2 vehicles again. Plus we have put a million miles on the the new car so it's time to give it a rest.

In other news, the price of our house dropped $5,000 today. We were told to lower it after 2 weeks and it's been two weeks. In some ways I am relived. I am hoping it will bring in more traffic and fast. If we get asking price at this time we will still owe some money on the house, but not an extravagant amount. I just pray that we don't have to drop the price again...that someone will bite now that it's been lowered. This is my biggest concern at this point. Trying to maintain two homes all while taking a temporary cut in pay because Phil cannot work overtime yet since he does not know how to do much yet. Again, I am not good with the whole wait upon the Lord thing. I am probably one of the least patient people in the world.
It's funny to me how to this point God has provided everything for us. He made this job fall into our laps in this kind of economy and also provided above and beyond what the job was even offering at the time. I know that He will send a buyer for our house it's just hard not to doubt. Why is that? Is there ever a point in your walk where you don't worry about these things and trust whole heartedly? I keep apologizing for my doubts and fears, but if we are being honest then that's what I feel.

In some ways I feel like an insatiable little kid. Thank you daddy for this, but now I need that. But then I think selling the house is all part of this package and He did provide all of this for us so why wouldn't He send a buyer? It's so frustrating to be human :-)

Please keep us in your prayers. We can only pay for both homes for so long before we have to let one go and it's not our intention to ruin credit etc over all this. We simply just want a buyer and if we owe some money so be it as along as we can sell the house.

Emma is back in school now. I kind of feel bad for her. I feel guilty like maybe I made the wrong decision about putting her in school. She came home yesterday and she was crying. She is very overwhelmed and it very well could just be the teacher but it still makes me feel guilty. On greatschools.com her old school rated as a 5 star our of 10. This school is a 7 out of 10 so academically it is better, but at what cost?

She gets on the bus an hour later so this is good. She starts school at 8:50. There are a few things I don't like. 1. there is no snack for the kids. The school is so small that they all eat lunch together at the same time, but only kindergarten gets to have snack. 2. There is no recess, or playtime. They don't have a playground so they can't go out to play. They also have no playtime in school at all. It's one subject after another for 6 hours. Now don't get me wrong they have gym, and art, and music etc. But why so much learning? They are kids. Give them a break. I think they need to enjoy being children. Not to mention coming home with homework a few nights a weeks, plus a spelling test every Friday (she has never had a test before until this school).
Her teacher is nice, but not very clear on what the kids are to do. She sends home papers with no instruction and I am not sure if she wants them back, or what I am to do with them. I guess she is like that in class as well. She just assumes the kids know what to do. Emma is not used to this curriculum and does not know what to do alot of the times and gets frustrated. I don't want her to hate school. At what point do you draw the line and say we are past the normal adjustment phase and make changes? She has only been in school for 4 days and I know it's going to be overwhelming but if something doesn't change in the next few weeks something on our end WILL have to change.

Ethan is doing well. He has adjusted good so far. It's so cute seeing both kids light up when Phil walks through the door at night. Ethan screams and almost passes out he gets so excited. On the other hand it's heartbreaking to see all the time they missed out on. Phil has been traveling for 5 yrs now and unfortunately missed so much. Another reason I am so thankful for this new job and praying that our house will sell soon.
Ethan is in his toddler bed now. He is so cute and so different then Emma. Emma never ever stayed in her bed. We would have to put her back to bed 10-15 times a night. In fact...she still doesn't stay in bed. Last night I said good night and she was up 5 minutes later. haha! WOW they are different. It hasn't even crossed Ethan's mind that he can indeed get up. In fact he lays there in the morning and calls for me because I guess he thinks he can't get up. I think we'll keep it that way! lol! It's been 5 nights now though and he has slept and napped all without getting up. So fingers crossed!

In other news I majorly have the baby bug. Huge, strong desire to have another baby but at the same time afraid. Again the whole house thing, and then my history of loosing babies. It's hard to even say or think about but what if I do loose another. I have been through this twice it's just so nerve wracking and a bit embarrassing at this point. Why does my body keep doing this to me? I will say that we aren't actively trying but we aren't preventing either so whatever God for us will be the right thing. We aren't really telling people either. I know I just said it here, but most of our family don't read this so it's actually a safe place to fess up. After a situation that happened last time when family members took it upon themselves to tell everyone I was prego it will be secret for quite some time this time if God chooses to bless us again. I don't want others telling my news first of all, and secondly I want to be sure all it ok this time around (if I do get pregnant) before I announce it. I was so embarrassed last time when I told everyone and naively thought that everything would be ok because I had already lost one baby. Then I had to go back and tell them yet again that I lost another baby. It was embarrassing (I know it wasn't my fault but that's how I felt) and heartbreaking. I just can't go through that publicly again.

Well I need to get up and do some more unpacking. Just wanted to update since I haven't been on in a while. Please keep us in your prayers for our lives in general but especially for the sale of our house. I have seen God come through in so many situations that have seemed impossible so I know there is hope. It just helps to have people interceding for us.

We're here!

We have made it to West Virginia! It's been a hectic two weeks.

Phil accepted the job on a Wednesday and we left that next day for Massachusetts for my sisters wedding. We got back to NY on Sunday and began putting the last touches on our house so that it was ready to sell. $500 later and it's on the market. That whole week was constant trips to home depot and lowes and one project after another. The next week we pulled Emma out of school for two days and came down here to find a home. We ran around like mad men one house after another each one seemed like a dud. Then we narrowed it down to two. Except the one house was waiting for another couple's answer on whether or not they wanted it. We decided we needed a home and couldn't wait any longer. We took the other home and put a $400 deposit on it. Great! Then the day before we were supposed to come down here guy from house number 2 (the better house by far) and says that they couple backed out so if we wanted it then we could have it. We felt it was best to do what was best for us though it would be an uncomfortable situation and we backed out of the first house and took the second. Needless to say we lost $400 because he will not give our deposit back.

So here we are at house number 2. We got here Sunday, but because the house was vacant we had no water or no heat. We went down Monday to get that all settled and they said they could not turn it on until Tuesday. Not ideal, but still really fast.

Tuesday morning they were here bright and early. They turned on the water, but there were leaks. It would not stop coming out of the bathroom sink. We called the landlord and he came over and looked at it. They got us a new faucet and vanity along with a few other things and then were on their way. Later that evening we went to take a shower...except the faucets are from the 70's and the bath comes on but not the shower. Then we see the toilet is leaking. Call landlord. Calls us back and comes over Wednesday to take a look. His plumbing guys are not available until next week so we have NO SHOWER. Gross!

In between all this we got phone, internet, cable set up. Got Emma enrolled in school, bought a refrigerator, went to pick up refrigerator the next day, went a half food shopping and spent way to much money, and tried to unpack and clean a little.

Did I mention that we did not bring hardly any of our furniture? The realtor wants it to be staged so that it will sell quicker. So we are all sleeping on air mattresses. We have two chairs to sit on in the living room and we had to buy a new dining room table because the one I just bought a year ago is to big for this house. Oh yah and I am moody and exhausted. And we still don't know how we are going to pull off having two houses. Not to mention they we are country people. I am not used to living in a neighborhood where people can see in your windows....we had to buy curtains too. I don't have curtains in my house in NY. Can you say stress? I just lost it last night. We had chicken nuggets for dinner and they started to burn and I just started crying. I am tired, sick, and stressed to the max. I felt guilty for the stress I am putting Emma under starting a new school etc. I worry about money, about our house selling, about living in a neighborhood when we are used to having a house where the kids can run and roam along with the animals.

Needless to say though I didn't have to many ties to NY I am a bit homesick. It would have been easier to stay. But taking the easy path doesn't always get you places in life. You have to take chances sometimes. It just scares the pants off me. Part of me knows this is God's will with all the signs I have gotten but then I look at the physical (like our house in NY and how it needs to sell fast so we don't owe to much) and I get so overwhelmed and feel like it's impossible. The doors have opened for us one by one this whole journey and often last minute so I shouldn't doubt that God will bring the right person to buy our home. I still worry though. I am trying to cast in all on Him and then I feel guilty for doing that. Like He has given us so much and I am selfish to be asking for this one more thing. So please if you read this, please keep us in your prayers. Please pray God sends a buyer to buy our house quickly and if we owe money that He provide the funds.

I can use all the help I can get :)

Things just seemed to be TO perfect

Here we are one week before Phil is supposed to start his new job. And guess what? We don't have a new place to live. Where we are moving there aren't a lot of homes....that part of WV is only 15 sq miles across. The housing there is so cheap that people don't rent they just buy. Only problem is we can't buy. We can't qualify to carry two houses at the same time.
Most people who do rent out there don't want pets either. Which is a major problem we have 2 dogs and a cat. UGH!

Another issue....our house here. We owe quite a bit on it since we haven't been here for very long (almost 4 yrs). Our realtor is worried about what we are selling it for. She thinks we will have to drop the price in 2 weeks or so. Which would leave us having to come up with money to pay it off.

Please pray for us. Our situation seems impossible at the moment. We have to find a new place to live and somehow sell this house. We aren't looking to break even....we never will with all the money we have put into this place, new carpet, new pergo in living room, new wood stove ($5000) all the appliances we bought....and the list goes on and on.

All we want is to be able to sell it. So we need some major prayers coming our way. We either need to get two people who love the house in here this week. They would need to make competing offers so that we could have enough to pay off the mortgage, pay our realtor fees, and pay the taxes. OR we would pray for one buyer quickly and that God provide the additional funds needed to pay off the house. Either way we are stuck right now and it's a scary feeling. We just need a buyer. The house goes up for sale on Monday so please pray for us. What seems impossible to us IS very possible to God.

"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37

God is Amazing!

As many of you know we have been waiting for an offer to come in from the company in West Virginia. I have been a little nervous that this has been taking so long and I was worried about how we would be able to move pay for rent/pay for our house/sell our house etc. My dad said he could no longer help us and it really worried me as we didn't have the means to do this on our own. We were told this job offered no relocation package and we were hoping to at least negotiate a u-haul to help us move.

Last week I was listening to Chip Ingram and he was talking about making marriage work. When troubles arise we are to run to our spouse and not others including mom and dad. He said "if you need money, don't go to mom and dad run to your spouse. Pray about it. This allows God to show up in a BIG way." I began feeling peace about my dad not being able to help us and I wasn't quite sure how we would do it once the offer came in but I knew it would work itself out. I turned to God and prayed that all these details would work out. He was in control, He knew our needs, He says he supplies our needs so I had asked and now it was up to Him.

Then the offer came in. Can I just say how absolutely above and beyond God answered my prayer. He DID show up and show off. It's beyond what I thought!

They told Phil there was a certain salary range. They gave him the highest salary in that range to start. They said that they would send in movers to pack us, and move us. They would pay for a trailer to tow behind our car for incidentals. They have a program through the company where they will do all the work in selling our house, and pay all taxes associated with the sale. They are offering rental assistance and will give us ALL or most of what it will cost for us to rent a home until our house sells. They will pay for all our costs associated with moving. They are giving us a sign on bonus type thing where we will get 1 months worth of salary to help our transition. Phil will be home EVERY, SINGLE NIGHT! Praise God. His hours are 7-3 with PAID overtime! They want him to start October 5th. Our goal is to be in our new house October 1st. Lots to do between now and then!

Can I just say how grateful I am to God. How amazing He is! We could not have done this on our own...there was just no way. God provided.

Do Not Worry

Matthew 6:25-34
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The way this is said in the Bible God makes it sound so easy. I will give you clothes, I will give you shelter and food. Don't worry. These things are easy for Him. Theses thing cause so much stress in our lives and God knows our needs. God promises to supply.

Is there a situation in your life where you are waiting for God to show up? Are you making alternate solutions for your life like Sarah did? We need to think like God. The answer doesn't seem simple to us. We worry because we don't know what the future holds. But God doesn't. He knows the future and before we even ask he has the solution. We just need a little more faith. It's not easy to do all the time, I know that. Step back from the situation your dealing with and let God take over. He will come through.

Thank you God for showing up in a big way. For giving me more then I deserve. All of my stress with this move has melted away and I am so grateful to you for all of this! Praise God....all the glory goes to Him.

Worst mom of the year

I feel so embarrassed about what happened today. I am posting this in hopes that other women who make mistakes know that this kind of thing happens. It still doesn't remove the feelings of guilt, but I try to be brutally honest with things that are going on and it's good to hear that others have had their own close calls.

I had lots of errands to do today. I got myself ready and Ethan ready. My phone rang, it was Phil. While on the phone with Phil, Ethan asked me for some milk. I gave him his sippy and finished talking to Phil at the most 2 mins. I look in the kitchen and my locked screen door is somehow unlocked and open. I proceeded to go outside and call Ethan. Silence.
My heart starts pumping a little quicker. I run through the woods calling him. Nothing.
Now I am starting to freak out.
I ran back to the house and called for him. Nothing.
At this point I am really worried running around my yard and through the woods just begging God to let him come out from where he was. I didn't know where he was but God did, so please just let him come out.
Then I hear barking from Gracie. I look up the driveway and there are two cars parked at in the street at the top. My first thought "He's dead. He's been hit." I started crying and running up my driveway, then I see this wonderful woman come walking down holding my son. He was fine. I lost it. I couldn't control myself...the tears just poured out of my eyes. I am still crying typing this right now and it happened 3 hrs ago.
When I met her she hugged me and asked if I was alright. She said she lived down the street (I've never met her) and she was driving home and she saw Ethan standing on the side of the road. She knew this wasn't right so she proceeded down to the next house so she could turn around. When she came back down the road he had crossed the street. Gracie was standing there with him. She scooped him up and said she was determined to find out where he belonged. She brought him to me and he told me he was "going for a walk". Later on he said "sorry mom go walk in woods."

My road is not a busy road but it's a fast road. People do 60 down the road.
My mind keeps going to that dark place of what could have happened. I am so thankful that she found him and brought him home. I could have lost him had she not stopped and picked him up.

I feel like I should have learned my lesson. He did this once before but my neighbor caught him before he got in the street. Because of this I started locking the screen door so he couldn't escape but I guess he knows how to unlock it now.

I can't tell you how thankful I am that it wasn't his time to go. That God protected my little boy. I don't know if I could live with myself if something happened to him. I am beating myself up as it is and he is perfectly fine.
I know this all was an accident but at the same time I feel so guilty. I feel like I should have been more attentive....I should have known.

My stomach was so upset for hours after. I felt like I wanted to throw up.

The important thing is that he is happy and healthy. I still feel like a bad mom though.

Got my letter

You know how I said I wished God could just mail me a letter and tell me what job we should choose? On Saturday, I got my letter. Well sort of. Even though we know that we will be moving to West Virginia it's still nice to hear confirmation that this IS what we should be doing. I bought a Lady Antebellum cd last week and for some reason I hadn't opened it until Saturday. Phil and I were headed out to take a bike ride with the kids and the trail is about an hour away. So I popped in this new cd. One song in particular caught my attention.....mind you, I had no clue this song was on the cd. The song was called "Home is Where the Heart Is" Here is the chorus to the song.

Mama said home is where the heart is
When I left that town
I made it all the way to West Virginia
And that's where my heart found
Exactly where I'm supposed to be
It didn't take much time
It's just south of the Mason Dixon line
It's just south of the Mason Dixon line

I almost peed my pants when I heard this! I could not believe they were singing about West Virginia!

God uses the strangest things to speak to us. But thankfully He does!

We have a decision

We received the offer for the job in Maine last week. We are still waiting for the one from WV but Phil called them to tell them he had another offer in hand and that lit a fire under their little hineys! They said we will get it next week, that all approvals had been met.

So after reviewing the Maine offer and having a slight idea of what the WV one offers...the winner is West Virginia!

Wow!

When we saw the offer from Maine the base pay was pretty good. They have a bonus plan that new employees can't participate until they have worked for 3 months. It is similar to what he has now. They get 1.5% of the sales but it is split amongst the 6 techs. Again, this means there is no way for him to have control over his commission. Kind of stinks. Also they only provide medical for him. He doesn't need medical because he has the VA but unfortunately health care does not work like that. It's either single of family plan. So to put us on the plan we would have to pay $996 a month. I checked into private insurance and it will cost just about the same. So, thats $12,000 a yr in health care we would have to pay never mind whatever we have for co-pays etc. That brings our pay check down $12,000 and for that number its not worth being gone 2 weeks out of each month.
I am sad for Phil because he really wanted to do this kind of work, but it's just not feasible. And honestly, it's not conducive to family life. That door slammed right in our face.
On the other hand I am happy that he will have a job that he's home every night. I won't miss the travel one bit. I don't think he will realize how much he likes being home every night until he IS home every night.
Once we got the offer and we reviewed it and we decided "NO" a huge weight had been lifted off our shoulders. We feel at peace with the option that is left. It still seems unreal. So much to do, in so little time mixed in with my sisters wedding in two weeks.....it's going to be an exhausting month.
But I am glad I can prepare now, for what's ahead. We have the answer and we are at peace. What could be better? Thank you Lord for providing us 2 options in this economy! We are grateful for the doors you have opened, and for shutting all the wrong ones!

Those who wait shall renew their strength.

We still have not seen one offer yet! This is getting very frustrating, but part of me knows that it's taking so long because God is working things out. I am a little nervous because I spoke to my earthly dad and for some reason now he is not going to be able to help us out like I thought he was. I am not sure why he would have acted like he could and then all of a sudden not. Maybe I understood what he meant when he said there are lots of options.

This makes this whole process even harder. Moving to a new state for a job and knowing that we can't afford to keep this house and also another is quite scary. Being a christian I don't really believe in just packing it all up and not paying on this house. It's our responsibilty to pay for it and we should do so. Not that there aren't times where this is necessary, but I can't imagine having to do that.

At the same time he needs this new job, or A new job. This one is getting old and there are more and more bumps along the way with this one. It won't be much longer before they don't exist then we would be forced to loose everything.

I know I sound crazy for saying this but I keep hoping that perhaps this is taking so long because there is another job waiting for him out there somewhere and we just haven't come across it yet. In my knowledge the best situation for us would be to get a half way decent paying job here and have Phil attend college and get his degree for the next two years. Then we can go from there. But this is the east route, the stress free route. Plus the little fact that we haven't been offered a job here yet. This way we could stay here, pay off more of the house and debt, Emma could attend school here and we could transition later. When we are more prepared.

I come to discover that life doesn't always allow for you to be fully prepared. This could be a great opportunity.

The stress is weighing heavy on us. I was accused of being not supportive yesterday. Maybe I'm not. I just don't know how to be, when we don't know anything. I don't have anymore answers then he has. I know what he wants to do (phil that is) but I don't know if that's what we are supposed to do.

Did I mention that I hate moving? I hate change/big change? I know God will be faithful to us...it's just the waiting that's the hardest. I have learned with God he tends to come through at the last minute. Not sure why it always seems to work that way, but he likes to come through and make things happen at midnight! The one thing that is consistent is that he always comes through. So we wait, and wait some more.

My word of the day "But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God." Psalm 146:5 NLT

Help me to be joyful through the waiting.

I am SO tired

I have a major issue with Emma lately. For the past 2 weeks she has not slept. I am not even kidding. I put her to bed at 8. She does not finally doze off until 10...I can hear her walking around upstairs, and then she wakes up several times a night and is up for the day around 6.

Right now it is 4:30 a.m. I slept really bad last night. I couldn't get to sleep until after 12 and then I think I woke up every hour. I was having weird dreams and just could not get peace enough to fall asleep. Until 3 a.m. I dozed off and it seemed like I was out. Until I get woken up by her staring at me. She doesn't touch me to wake me up she just stares. Can I tell you how much I love her, but waking up to someone standing over you staring at you can really scare you. Especially when you are the only adult home here.

By the way she woke me up to tell me her tooth was loose. But it's been loose for months now. This is nothing new. What is her deal?

I really need her to sleep. I need to sleep. I am moody when I don't sleep and you can bet that after 2 weeks of her not sleeping well, she is not the most pleasant child to be around. She cries at the drop of a hat, she fights with her brother constantly...I have no idea how to fix it. You can't make a kid sleep.

I am not sure what it is that is waking her up. Her bedroom is a walk through room. In other words her room used to be the master bedroom but when the added on to this house the put a bedroom off of hers. You have to walk through her room to get to ours, but no one else goes through there. Also, she has no windows in her room so it's not outside noises, or light waking her up. I don't know what her deal is. I don't know how to fix it, and I really need some sleep. Whether she likes it or not...so does she.

Patience is a virture that I do not have

Wait upon the Lord....this is something I am not good with. Faith, I have. Patience, not so much.

Both interview took place about 3 weeks ago with a second interview up in Maine last week. We still have no answers. Both companies are supposedly preparing offers, but we have yet to see one of them. I have been praying like crazy. I still felt like I had no answers. I wish I could get a letter in the mail saying move to Maine, or move to West virginia.....wouldn't life be so much easier?

I have most of the facts about both jobs. We don't know how well Maine pays, but we do know that the travel situation will be better than it is now. The owner does all the travel arrangements and if a guy is out one week he keeps him in the next. So that is a little easier to take then what we have now. He also said he could work a deal with the healthcare. Since they don't cover families and Phil does not need healthcare because he has the VA he said perhaps he could pay what he would normally pay for Phil and put it towards the family plan.

I honestly think I know the answer and know where we will end up I am just really nervous about it.

Every time I think of West Virginia I get very unsettled. Like something isn't right. My gut feels nervous. I am not sure if this is just nerves or if this is because it's not right.

When I look at the facts of both jobs it seems as if West Virginia would be easier...I think that's why I am drawn to it. But it doesn't feel right.

God has to come through in a BIG way if we were to move to Maine. Sitting here it seems impossible but with God all things are possible. What a great testimony it would be for him.

I am still praying and we still haven't made a decision. I guess I am just thinking out loud. It's hard to know what to do. It such a big thing for us right now, but in the scheme of things it is so little. To God this is nothing. He promises that he will take care of our needs.

Keep praying for us! And thank you to those who are already.


UPDATE....Just got my KLOVE word of the day....late today. Here is the verse:

Encouraging Word:
Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful. Proverbs 16:20 NLT

Just when you think one door has closed....

....you get a phone call saying that your husband is their #1 pick and that they are preparing an offer to present next week!

Yes, folks I am talking about West Virginia! Wow! WOW! West Virginia would be more in our budget as far as carrying two homes. Of course we would need a little family help, but luckily my dad is open to helping us out. They said today that they are so far behind that there will be lots of PAID overtime! Yes I stress paid because Phil often works 80 hour weeks as it is, can't come home until the weekends, and DOES NOT get paid 1 penny more than what his salary states! The recruiter stressed that this company has amazing benefits...including health insurance for all of us, and because they are so busy Phil will be making more this next yr then they quoted us to begin with.

Sounds like this door may be flying open. UGH! I hate decisions like this. I wish there was some huge sign saying 'take this job'. Am I crazy? I am asking for more proof then what has been laid before me already! AHhhhhh we shall see.

My only concern is that Phil does not seem to be jumping up and down about the job. I hope he is just holding back. He swears to me that he will like it...I hope that is true.

I just don't know if I can do the traveling thing anymore, and this job has NO travel! Overtime, yes. Some late nights, YES. But he gets to come home every single night. We just miss him so much when he is gone and I think its creating alot of unspoken tensions with both of us. Traveling is so hard when you are trying to raise a family. It's hard to keep your relationship strong when you travel so much. Burn out is inevitable. We have been living this way for 5 yrs, I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

My other concern about the Maine job is that if God forbid something happens to the company there is NOTHING else up there. Work is hard to come by. In West Virginia we are located smack dab in the middle of Ohio and Pennsylvania. Each only minutes from where we would live. Lots of other opportunities.

I hate this. You know how it is when you get good news about one thing. You feel all positive and drawn to that and everything else pales in comparison until you hear back from something else? I have major decisions! haha! God help me!