Sweet

We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. For instance, you know about Job, a man of great endurance. You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end, for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy.

~ James 5:11, NLT

MY VERSE TODAY!

Change of Plans

I just got back from my doctor's appointment a little bit ago. The ultrasound results were good all is cleaned out---good news---BUT having done an internal exam he said that I still need time to heal. He said I really shouldn't even be having sex right now. So not what I was expecting to hear. He also said that I should be waiting a few months before I start trying again and I should definitely be on birth control. Also, when I come off of the birth control to wait until I have 2 periods before I start trying. He said that since it may be a while until I get my next period, I need to start the pill today. You can still ovulate during this time, and he in NO WAY wants me getting pregnant right now. He said there is still too much healing to do. So, I start the pill today. I have 3 months worth to take then I can go off and have to wait 2 cycles to try again. Looks like we will be getting a 2010 baby rather than a 2009 baby. Which in some ways is a bummer, but in others it is good. I was really struggling whether or not to go back on birth control. I knew I did not want to be pregnant in Florida, but I didn't want to have to wait to try again after the trip. I had come to the conclusion that I would just by ovulation kits and test and avoid all contact with Phil LOL! for those few days. BUT, the doctor said otherwise! We will not be trying again until next Spring. I have to admit I am jealous of those out there pregnant or trying at the moment...but hey..that was not in the plan for me :) And good news is...Ethan will be close to 3 years old before we have the new one...and hopefully out of diapers.

Speaking of diapers, did I mention how Ethan took a huge turd in his pants right before the doctor came in. He walked in and I warned him that Ethan was "filling his pants" and he responded..."I can smell that!" It was awful! I felt bad...but hey he is a baby doctor afterall...and to be quite frank...he has probably had many mothers poo during delivery so it's not new to him. And he has a son 4 months older than Ethan...so he gets it! I just don't get why kids pick the most inconvenient times to do things like that......got to love them!

The Joys of Little Boys

What a stressful night we had last night!

First of all my SIL delivered a healthy baby girl yesterday. 6 lbs 15 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long!! Happy Birthday Catherine!!!

The weather here has been a bit crazy! It is 70's in the day, and getting down to 36 degrees at night. Sunday night when Phil was home we had our first fire in the wood stove. Monday night he was gone and I did not want to get a fire going. But I didn't sleep well that night because the kids kept waking up and my hunch is that they were cold. So yesterday night I decided we needed to have another fire. I began to get it going late in the afternoon as a cold stove takes a while to produce a good fire! About an hour into it I was around the house doing my thing, when I hear awful screams coming from the living room. My heart just sank. I knew Ethan had touched the stove. I ran in there and looked at his hand which at the time did not look so bad. We ran it under cool water several times and let it be. Afterall, this wasn't the first burn I have dealt with. What I didn't realize at the time was that he burned all the fingers on his left hand except for the thumb. The pads on his fingers were burned down to where the first joint is. 2 1/2 hours later he was still crying about it and just wanted to be held. I was torn on what to do. 1. I felt so guilty that this happened 2. I didn't want to run to the ER for no reason 3. I was by myself and at this point it was bedtime for the kids and Phil was in the air on his way home. I did some quick research on the internet and it said that it is very common to see burn in the ER on babies. 60% of the cases are burns. You should go immediately if they had burned their extremities or burns over more than 10% of the body etc. etc. So I made the decision to bring him in. All the while he is in the back seat screaming and Emma in turn is screaming for him to be quiet and how bad he is! I'm telling ya, I was ready to have a breakdown.

Our little trip to the ER was interesting. I texted Phil and told him where we were and what had happened. I got to the ER at 6:45 pm Phil arrived at 8 pm. We did not get in to see a doctor until 8:45 pm, and I was out of there at 9:30 pm. When I got called into the room I knew it would be a while since we had already been in the waiting room for 2 hours. I told Phil to take Emma home, as she needed to sleep for school today. Plus today is picture day! Perfect right....dark circles, bags..all for picture day.
While waiting in the ER alone the kids got SO bored. I don't blame them. Quite honestly so was I. They were playing with those candy machines they have....you know the ones that shoot out a child size handful of M & M's for a quarter. When Ethan say them he pointed and said "mmmmmmmmmm please?" It was so cute. They did end up getting some when daddy arrived! I had brought a sippy for Ethan but in trying to get out the door I did not bring anything for Emma. When we got there and she saw his sippy she wanted a drink.....OF COURSE! I told her I did not have one. She said well I will just drink from the water fountain. NO! NO WAY! I was not about to let her drink from a dirty water fountain in the ER of a hospital.....GROSS! She probably leave there with 1o different diseases! YUCK! So when I told her no, she says to me....."If I don't get something to drink I will probably die!"....yes this is what I deal with on a daily basis! So I looked at her and said "well I guess it's a good thing we are at the hospital then!" Evil I know...but it shut her up...and I know that of course she really wasn't going to DIE from not having a drink for an hour! She did get some gingerale out of the soda machine when daddy got there though.
The of course, Ethan was not crying anymore....it's like they see the Emergency Room sign and then all of a sudden Hallelujah they are healed! Because he was doing good, he began goofing off. Climbing chairs trying to jump off, running away, trying to escape every time the door opened. They staff comforted me, in saying that they usually do stop crying once they get there.

Anyways so Phil took Emma home, and we saw the doctor. He said that Ethan had second degree burns on his fingers, but the skin was in tact and that was good! They did not do anything to it as they knew that babies often unwrapped a dressed hand. They also like to eat things that are on their fingers such as Neosporin. He told me I could sneak it on his fingers at night, but other than that it was good I brought him in but he was OK. Thank God.

The nurse was so sweet too. She gave Ethan the cutest little teddy bear to bring home with him. It was so nice of her. She was saying how much of a flirt he was and how cute he was and the next thing I know she brings him the bear. It was so nice of her.

Now to really make me feel like as ass. Though they said it was going to be cold last night it only got down to 52 degrees! The house was warm when we woke up w/o the fire.

So I have guilt for him getting burned, I feel stupid because it wasn't even that cold (for NY standards) and i went to the ER and will probably have a HUGE bill for them to look and say ....he's ok. Don't get me wrong I am glad it wasn't serious....I just always beat myself up over these things. This will be the most expensive Teddy Bear Ethan will ever get! But we will always have Teddy to remind us of his first trip to the ER. And sadly, I don't think it will be the last!

I just kept saying that I wanted to be at the hospital today (to visit the new baby) just not for a visit like this!

My doctors appointment was cancelled yesterday because my doctor was delivering a baby. I have to go today instead....finish packing...oh yah and pack all the kids clothing for next week. What? I didn't tell you? We are going with Phil on Monday to Massachusetts for the week so that we can go visit the new baby. Phil has a job out there and this way work will pay for the gas, since he is working! I will not be home until 6:30 pm on Sunday so there is lots to do today. Thankfully tomorrow is vacation!!!

Catch Up

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In two days I am going on vacation! YIPPEE! I am so excited, but also nervous....I have to fly...I don't like flying! I know it will be ok, I just hate the thought of being way up there in the air, and no where to go but down! EEK!

On a happier note, I will be going to see a friend of mine from the Navy days! I haven't seen her in 6 years, in fact I wasn't even a mom last time we saw each other. A lot happens in 6 years.

We are going to be attending the Women of Faith conference which should be lots of fun. I can't wait. It's my first vacation without my kids. I will miss them so much, but this is MUCH needed. I am with them all the time, and I have barely gotten a break since I delivered my bouncing baby girl 5 1/2 years ago.
I think I need to make a habit of this....at least once a year. Just to get away, nothing to worry about, I get to sleep through the night....Oh Happy Day!

I am still awaiting news from my SIL. She went into labor yesterday, but not enough to get things going. The baby was in a little bit of distress (low fluid, and low heart rate) so she needed to be induced with Pitocin. I feel bad, cause I hear that Pitocin is Satan himself! She was only 2cm and having contractions every 10 mins at 6 pm yesterday. Right now if she hasn't delivered yet, she will have been in labor for at least 13 hours. I don't envy her. They say you forget the pain of delivery and that may be true when thinking about conceiving another, but when you hear someone close to you is in labor..you can call up those feelings all to well.

Today I have a doctor's appt at 12:10. This is my follow up to be sure that I am doing ok after loosing the baby. Emotionally I feel good right now. I still have my ups and downs but really I think it's my hormones. I was watching a show yesterday called "The Doctor's" They were saying that after you deliver a child your body's hormones are so crazy that it closely mimics what you go through in menopause. They said that you have high levels of estrogen and progesterone and once you deliver your levels begin to drop, some more rapidly than others. Though I did not carry my child full term, my hormones are still haywire. They will be more normal once I get my cycle back. I am now reconsidering whether or not I should go back on the pill. I am thinking perhaps I could just be careful the next few months. If I chart my ovulation I should be ok. I just don't want to be pregnant in Florida. I also don't want to have to go off the pill and wait to try. It would be nice to jump right into it! ;o Plus this new insurance DOES NOT cover birth control of any kind. Going price for the pill I was on generic...was around $140 a month. That's a lot of money to pay to be protected for a couple of days.


Well I should go get moving. It is nearing 8 o'clock and there is lots to do here before I leave for the doctor's including showering. Who knew as a mom, showering would be so difficult? I know I will miss this once they are grown though. So I will try my hardest to appreciate the little hands grabbing at my legs all the time saying "up, up." All too soon, this will pass.

Check it out

Beautiful Angel

glitter-graphics.com

Subject of an email I got this morning....

Enfamil: Your pregnancy at four months

Second thoughts

I am having second thoughts these past few days. I go to my doctor on Tuesday for a check up to be sure the miscarriage physically went well. I am considering going back on the pill. I cannot believe those words are coming out of my mouth. WOW!

Ok do not judge me here....I need to be brutally honest about how I am feeling.

This baby was a surprise to us. We were not trying, I just happened to be off the pill because it was causing bad side affects with my hands and feet and needed to go off of it. That was in April. In July I discovered I was pregnant. I was so happy. I was crying I was so happy. Mostly because it was such a surprise and it was answered prayer as well. Phil was not sure if he wanted another baby. I on the other hand, felt like we were not done. I prayed that either God change his mind, or that the desire to be taken from me. The 2 lines, what a shock! Phil was genuinely happy though. He even said that he was not sure if he told me or not but he did WANT 3 kids.

I am not going to lie...we were scared. Another baby. 2 kids under 2! 2 kids in diapers. We needed a bigger vehicle, our health insurance changed and the cost of this delivery would be much more than Ethans not only for the birth but also because my tubes were going to be tied at the same time. Heck we are still paying for Ethans birth and he will be 18 months old next month. But I had faith. Faith, that Gods word is true. He says that children are a gift from the Lord. I fully trusted he would not give us another gift, without providing the means to care for the child. Was it going to be tough? YES! But not impossible.

Then on August 29th it all came to a screeching halt! The baby was not alive anymore. We were crushed. How was this happening again? I still love my child and miss her very much. It just was not meant to be.

Fast forward to today. We are making plans for the future. Some things really fun. We have been talking about Disney since Emma was 4 years old. We have wanted to bring her but never committed mostly because of money. But now, because Phil flies so much he has 2 free flights anywhere that airline flies. We also have 10 days worth of free car rentals, because he rents cars so much. It is getting to the point where it is use it or loose it. The trip is more attainable now. The flights expire in May. It would be such a shame to let them expire. And if we go before April 5th, Ethan is free. The trip is more and more appealing! BUT, I do not want to be pregnant. I want to enjoy everything with my kids. I want to ride the rides, I do not want to have to worry about not participating because I am protecting life inside of me.

Now here is the thing and again do not judge me please....I am seeing a lot of good coming out of this if we wait.
I feel guilty for saying these things because I feel like, I sound like I wanted my baby to die and that is not it at all. I would have loved, and I do love that baby more than anyone could know.

Here are the pros to the situation:
1. We can bring our 2 kids to Disney very cheaply and have a great time.
2. Our lease will be up on the Envoy, we will not be penalized for turning it in early and we can purchase a mini van like we will need.
3.We will have more money saved up in the HSA account to be able to pay for the birth.
4. Ethan will be over 2 years old. I look at him now and he is still such a baby...I do not want to miss that because I am wrapped up in caring for a newborn.
5. Hopefully, Ethan will already be out of diapers. Did I mention he has pees on the potty several times already and he pooped on it once? Not getting my hopes up, as I changed Emmas diapers until she was 3 and a half but he definately seems like he understands the potty better than she did.
6. I will be able to loose some of this extra weight I am carrying before I get pregnant again. Thus reducing my risk of diabetes. I am always border line diabetic when I am pregnant.
7. My sister is getting married in September and I am the maid of honor. It would be really bad if I were DUE on or around September. I could not go (my kids are flower girl and ring bearer) my kids could not go and that woudl ruin things for her. It would be ok if I was pregnant though.

That is all the pros I can think of at the moment. I DO want another child, I am just thinking that delaying it a few months would not be so bad. I would probably only ask for a 3 months prescription and then be off of it when I go to Florida.

One fear of doing this.....Phil will change his mind. Hopefully not, but this is probably better all around. I am so torn in making this decision. I just do not know what I should do. Then the thought goes through my head "What if I loose the next one?" That will put me that much more behind. I do not know. But I am thinking I am leaning towards waiting a few months.

Well I guess it never hurts to ask for the prescription right? I can not use it until I get my period back anyway which may possibly be late October so I have all that time to THINK!

BLAH

The past few days have been really stressful for me. I am just stressed to the max. I can not wait to go away to the Women of Faith conference next week. I have a feeling all the emotions are just gonna come flowing out. I better pack some tissues! I really need to recharge. I feel like I am just trying to stay afloat sometimes. The loss of the baby just compounded everything 100 times. I still have lots of hormones that are going back to normal and it is quite the ride. I kind of feel PMS all the time. And to top it off I am almost positive that I have kidney stones. I go back to the OB on Tuesday so they should be able to tell me once they take my urine whether or not I have them for sure. I know I should see someone other than the OB, but I already have to appointment for a check up to be sure my body expelled everything so I may as well find out from him rather than pay to go to yet another doctor.

I am at a spot now where I am just BLAH. That just sums up my general mood BLAH! I am trying to hold on it is just hard to be happy. And people wonder "what is wrong?" This is just something that is so hard to understand unless you have been there. You feel bad long after it is all over. You have good days, and you may not bring it up but you still hurt. People just assume that after a few weeks all is good. I wish it was that easy. I know over time it will get easier, it just really sucks to go through it.

And for all who read this...if you think of it...say a little prayer for my friend. She just lost her little boy and needs all the prayers she can get. I know how I feel loosing something, that to most people did not even exist. I cannot imagine being in her position and my heart breaks for her. Out of respect for her, I will not go into detail, I just ask that you pray for her if you think of it.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am thankful for that. It was by far not my most depressing day...just not my best day either. And now I am off to snuggle up in blankets cause I am shivering sitting here at the computer. The weather says it is currently 52 degrees outside and it will be 44 degrees tonight. I am so tempted to turn on the heat but I will not.

Did I mention that I still can not use the apostrophe key without some short cut coming up? I can not figure out how to turn it off and I forgot to mention it to Phil so I have to continue to write out... CAN NOT, HAVE NOT, WAS NOT, IS NOT ETC. ETC. I need to be able to use the apostrophe key! UGH!

Ok off to bed....well the couch (that is where I sleep when Phil is not home) I go.

And for all you bloggers out there......BLOG! I am bored and want to be nosy and read about your lives!!! No one in blogging lately!! LOL!

Kindergarten Breakfast

This picture was taken yesterday. They hatched butterflies at school and let them go (well the hatched ones) yesterday.

Here is a picture from school this morning. Emmas teacher has a website that she updates daily with pictures, and news, and activities. It is really neat that they do that. This picture was taken today...this is the outfit I sent her to school in. I am really impressed that she posted them so quickly.

I drove Emma to school this morning for kindergarten breakfast! It was very anti-climatic and sad in some respects!
We showed up at 8 am, I signed in got my visitor tag and we proceeded down to the cafeteria. Once we got down there, we saw a bunch of children sitting and waiting for the actual food area to open.
Once it did they all ran to get into line to get their food. I walked through with Emma who picked out milk and coco puffs for breakfast! Not usually allowed here, but I figured what the heck..this is special! I got a buttered bagel. We went to go pay and they told us that kindergarteners and their parents were free today! Yippee! So that was nice.
We went and picked a table and sat to eat.

Now for the sad part.....there were no other children there with their parents. I was the only parent except for one set who were with their child who was just starting today. Sad :( that parents do not take any interest in their childs school. I jumped at the chance to get up and go with her. Where their inconviences? YES! It was difficult to get all 3 of us up and ready to go this morning, and I did contemplate putting her on the bus kissing her goodbye and sending her off for the day..all why I lounged in my pajamas for a few more hours. But I did not. I got up, got us ready and off we went.

Emma was so excited that I was coming to her school this morning and I am thankful I am able to do that for her. I know there are a lot of parents out there who can not be part of the schooling. Who have to work and can not be a part of these things. These little things making staying home with little ones all day worth the while.

I have not started volunteering there yet, but I am signed up to help out on Thursdays and also in the school post office on Wednesday mornings. I will be able to drive her to school on the day that I help out. I am going to be one busy mom when all this kicks in. I will have MOPS every other Tuesday, Post Office Wednesday and School helper and lunch mom on Thursdays! It will be nice to be able to lend a hand and selfishly be able to interact with other grown ups! I am actually nervous but excited about it!

So here is the run down on the school post office!! It was started by real post offices --I am sure to encourage kids to write letters so that they get more business....lets face it....this world is an electronic world. How many of us has actually sat down to WRITE a letter to someone instead of shooting off an email. Anyway the program is called WEE DELIVER post office. The kids can write letters to other children in the school or to their teachers etc. and teachers and parents are also allowed to write to the children so that they can receive mail. They have the jobs broken down by age group, and the children go in and actually APPLY and INTERVIEW to get a job in the post office. If accepted your job last one month and then your duties are over. At the end of the year you get a free book and letter of recognition! It really is a cute idea. Anyway, parents are there to supervise that jobs get done in the post office. That is where I come in. It should be fun...the weeks will seem to fly by once I am involved. I can not wait!

could this be true?

For those people who are anxiously awaiting my physical updates...haha yeah right....I am surprised to say I think I may have ovulated this weekend. Very weird. By all the physical signs and the sticky CM, I am really thinking that I did. The only reason why I think this is weird is because I just stopped spotting a few days ago. And with my last miscarriage I did not get a period back for 7 weeks.

I went back and counted the first day I started to bleed, and discovered that I am on CD 17 and I would have indeed ovulated if I had just had a period. Part of me wants this to be true and part of me does not. If it is trued that means I will have my period while on vacation! YUCK! But the good news would be that my body is just keeping on with the normal cycle.

We shall see. I hate walking around wondering if I will get my period though. I would not normally care, but I really do not want to have it on vacation!

Today's Verse

Here is the Bible verse I got today in my daily email.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.

~ Psalm 40:1, NLT

It is so weird how I seem to get just the right Bible verses delivered to me at just the right time. All I can say is WOW!

Today started good...and then this evening came.

Today was a better day for me. I got out of the house, went to register for MOPS and talked to a few adults. Yes, that is right all you SAHM I said adults. It is amazing how much your mood is elevated, when you are able to have some sort of logical conversation with another adult....even if the conversation is all about your kids :)

If you have not already noticed I am forced to write things out in full in these past few blogs. For some reason every time I touch the apostrophe key it brings up some weird search engine and will not allow me to get an apostrophe typed out. So if you noticed a lot of "have not, has not, is not, will nots" from me that is why.

On a sadder note, my heart just broke today for my daughter. As most of you know she has started kindergarten and all was fine UNTIL TONIGHT! I put her to bed after we talked for a while and she was saying how she missed me when she first got on the bus. I told her that I missed her as well, and about how much she really likes school. And honestly she does like school, and she likes the bus for that matter, it is just the normal anxiety starting to creep in. We were told it would happen and generally 5 or so days after school began.
They could not have been more right. Today is day 4 out on her own and she is mastering the system quite well. I thought she was ok. I even bragged about her at MOPS today saying that she said "I have so much fun I forget about you."

But laying up in her bed tonight all by herself she began to think. The mind is a dangerous thing. She came down stairs and hour and a half after she went to bed and her face was beat red and streaming with tears. I almost lost it. Part of me wants to grab her and tell her she never has to go back, but that is not reality. Someday whether it be now or when she is 18, she will have to leave the safety and comfort of home. And I agree, this is a lot for a 5 yr old to take in....it is quite the transition. I know that I have to MAKE her go tomorrow, as much as I dont want to. I know these feelings will soon go away it is just really hard to deal with. There is just way to much going on these past few weeks.....but emotions are getting a run for their money.

I know there will be many more times in our lives where we will break our kids hearts but for their own good. I just wish it did not hurt so much to let her go.

I will tell you one thing though. It has made me realize how precious the few hours a day I have with her are. They are becoming much more quality and meaningful.
The funny thing is that one the weekends she gets bored. She likes the fast pace of school better than being here. It is just the little kid welling up in her.

And you want to know a secret? Though it kills me to see her hurting......it does feel kind of nice that she still needs her mommy.

Can I also say that when she was little and was home all day she may have driven me crazy at times, but I never had so much anguish about the decisions I was making for her life. I now feel so much guilt for putting her through this, though I know it will only last a short time. UGH! There are no right answers I guess we just wait it out and see what happens. Until then the teacher got a note to give her a heads up about what is going on....I just hope tomorrow is better for her.

Second quote of the day

"Life is like photography...we use the negatives to develop."

Quote for today....

"Excellence is not about being perfect, it is about doing your best."

How great is this?

Yesterday was such a hard day for me to get through and I was hoping and praying that today would be a little easier. I still do not know why all this happened, but I trust it will all work out. And that has been my prayer all along.

I woke up this morning and checked my email, and much to my surprise I had already received my daily Bible verse. I get them sent to me from my local Christian radio station.

This was todays verse:

Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.

~ Hebrews 2:18, NLT

How great is that? A little confirmation that God is indeed with me through this, and that He understand, and it will all be ok.

God is good.

Would have been 3 months this week

Today was a hard day. Phil went back to work, Emma was off to school and it was just me and Ethan. My hormones are still getting back to normal and I was really sad today. This time around seemed easier so I thought. I think it is because I was really walking around in somewhat of a fog. It felt like it was not real. I felt like all of it was dream. How could this possibly be happening to me again. But it is not a dream. It is very much reality and boy did reality hit today. I always feel like the whole world goes on and I am stuck in slow motion trying to catch up. It is so strange and very unique how we were created. God made us to love a baby from the moment we discover we are pregnant. We love the child, before we even see evidence of it. Most of the time, it is really great to feel that way. But on the other end, when it all goes away, it hurts.

I have so much hope and faith this time. I do not feel as much despair the as the first time, but I still have feelings about it. I feel like it is so much easier for men to put it behind them and move on, because it seems like their love, love as intense as a mothers does not begin until they hold that child in their arms. They never can feel the emptiness that is left behind. Silly I know because I was not that far along but my stomach feels empty. I am desperately missing something I never really had. I think it is just so much disbelief, on top of raging hormones. A sense of loss.

I can say this much. No matter how long that wonderful gift is inside of you, may it be 4 weeks, or 20 weeks or 40 weeks, it touches your life so deeply.

I feel like people around me will perceive me as dramatic for still carrying on about this. Especially since I have been through this before. But from past experience I can tell you that it takes everyone different times to grieve the loss. Some get over it so quickly, others take longer. I was still sad one month after loosing my first child.

And one of the worst parts is that my mom still does not know. I am dreading telling her. When I found out I was pregnant she said "well that is good since that is what you wanted. Just do not do anything to have a miscarriage again like last time." I am honestly afraid to tell her. Like I do not dont have enough stress as it is.

I always get this huge sense of incompetence as well. Like I have done something wrong and I can not do anything right. I beat myself up so much, and I get very moody.

I dont know. It is just a hard day today......that is all I can say. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.

I go tomorrow to register for MOPS. I am excited about that. Again another situation that I want to happen but dont. What do you tell people when they ask how you are? Am I honest and bring it up, or do I lie? People do not expect to hear the answer that I have to give.

Anyways, that is all from me today. Nothing new, just going on with life hoping for the day when this will not hurt so bad.

Forget me not

"sometimes miracles arrive
so tiny that we cannot feel
the weight of them –
and yet we are still changed,
and we are blessed none the less…"

The first day on her own

Waiting for the bus in her BUS STOP

Excited for school!

Getting on the bus like a big girl!

This morning we woke up and got ready for Emma's first day of school on her own! WOW! What a day. It's only 11:47 here and I know right now she is in the middle of her lunch time! Ethan is sleeping and the whole house is quiet. It's so weird.

I went over everything with her this morning. Be respectful, don't be afraid to ask for help, sit on the bus...don't stand, etc. etc. The response "I know mom!" I asked if she wanted to wear my necklace in case she got lonely. Her response "Mom, I won't miss you that much!" Wow! What a blow. I love her to death and we've raised her to be independent and somewhat fearless, but not one tear? Not even the least bit of anxiety, or fear! I like that so much more then having her ball her eyes out, and screaming! It's just that mommy part of me wants her to miss and need me! LOL!

One funny thing she said this morning that I wanted to share. When I woke her up it was 6:15. I told her it was time for school and she ok and came downstairs saying she was still tired. Then she looks outside and says "Why are you getting me up for school when it's still night time?" LOL! Too funny! Of course at 6 :15 it's still pretty dark and she was really confused as to why she was going to school at night!

She gets home at 3:25 so I will update you more later!

School days.....and other rantings.

Emma at her desk at school.

Today I am incredibly emotional! I am sure pregnancy hormones are adding to this insanity, I just can't help but get teary eyed today. Emma's school orientation went well. Her teacher is super nice, the classroom is awesome and she is going to have a great time...still it's so hard to let her go. I know I have talked about this before and I am sure everyone is so sick of my ranting! I just can't believe how quickly 5 years passes.

So much has happened in 5 years. I have been pregnant 4 times. We have moved 3 times. We've gotten 3 pets. We've been married 9 yrs! Life just seems to be zooming by. It's hard to enjoy it at times too. Emotions get in the way, stress complicates things.....things just slip right through your fingers. Today I should have been enjoying my last day with my daughter, but instead I was bitchy, tired, and moody. Granted I am positive most of it was do to the stress of the past week, but still it's not Emma's fault.
It's hard to put aside "grown up" things and enjoy the moment. I really need to work on this.

Oh Motherhood. No other job has caused me such anguish, guilt, joy, and laughter. I guess we just have to do our best and hope that they turn out to be decent humans.

I guess I feel like I am loosing everything. My baby girl is going off to school and will no longer be with me everyday. She has to take what I have taught her and make her own decisions without mommy. I know she will do well, this is just hard for me.
And then physically loosing a baby last week. Actually one week ago today.

I know I am probably being dramatic. Trust me I know. It truly is the hormones compounding all of this.

Above all, I trust that all this will work for God's good. He has a plan. And though I think this really sucks big time, I know it will all get better. If I hadn't lost baby 1, I wouldn't have Ethan. And Ethan brings so much joy to my life, I am so thankful for him. So I know, without a doubt I will have that joy again......but for now...I think I am still in mourning.

Like I said last time, it really sucks going through this, but there is no way around it. You have to go through to get to the other side. But thankfully the sun will shine again.

Goodbye baby girl

Today is the last day I will have both of my kids home on a weekday together for a long time! Emma starts kindergarten tomorrow and though it's only half day and parents stay it's still quite emotional.

Although I do admit, from the way today is going it will be nice for her to get out without us for a while. My kids have done nothing but fight today. It's insane, and it's driving me insane. I can't get one minute of peace and the day is only half over. I am thinking a lot of it has to do with nerves for Emma. I think she is scared a little bit about tomorrow though she won't come out and say that. How could you not be nervous though? It's a big deal! I am nervous for her.

In other news I called my doctor and I have to go in for yet another ultrasound on Friday to be sure everything has passed. I've had more ultrasounds these days then I have had in my whole pregnancy history. This will be #3 in a month.

This whole process is so exhausting. I cannot wait until all of this is over and I can move on. It's hard to get over it when there are still physical reminders there to haunt you everyday.

One thing I found kind of funny through this whole thing is Phil. He is this big tough man who goes hunting, kills deer, guts them, butchers them etc. Same thing with turkey and fish and he has even shot a black bear. He has seen more blood and guts then I could even imagine. But when it comes to me he can't handle it. I tried to show him a couple of times what was going on so he knew, just in case, God forbid anything bad happened to me. I was loosing a lot of blood and there were times I thought I would pass out so I wanted to be sure he knew what was going on. But he couldn't handle it. He practically went screaming from the bathroom. Granted he didn't really scream but it's not something he was "actively" a part of. I guess because it was ME. Its not some deer your are getting for food. I just wouldn't think all of that would gross him out. Because quite honestly, just the thought of gutting a deer makes me want to vomit! lol! I could never do it. Anyway, just an interesting thing I had discovered about my hubby! He was great otherwise. He took full care of the kids, changed diapers, fed them, even ordered out for me so we wouldn't have to cook. He was also kind enough to get up with them every morning, this morning included, and let me sleep in until 8. He never does that! I just thought that was so nice. Oh yah and he caught me up on laundry. I was so far behind and he washed every last piece of it!

Ok well I suppose since this is my last day with my daughter home I should get off the computer and do something with her!

More to come tomorrow...when the drama (for me at least) starts.

Round 2

It started up again. I am in pain and passing more tissues etc. Thank God for painkillers that he gave me. I just can't wait until this is all over. It can take a total of 2 weeks, I don't think it will be that long...but still I am anxiously awaiting the end.

September 1....Holy Smokes!

Yesterday evening was interesting. I was out of diapers and wipe and desperately needed to make a run to BJ's. So Phil and I packed up the kiddos and drove out to the store. While doing our shopping who do we run into but my OB/GYN! How awkward. Phil said hi, and he said hi back but I don't think he really recognized us. He passed me again in a different aisle and did a double take so I think he then realized who I was, but felt dumb saying anything at that point. But then I felt very uncomfortable as well....this is a man who looks up my "you know what". It's not someone to make casual conversation with! haha! Though I know he does it for a living and it was not what he was thinking about but that's all that was going through my mind!

Phil so kindly went and got me a bottle of Kahlua to make my favorite drink last night, since I could indeed drink again.

We came home gave the kids dinner and put them to bed.

We then proceeded to have steak dinner with homemade french fries and Smirnoff Ice, and Kahlua Sombrero's. It was a little slice of heaven in all the madness! Of course truth be told...the steak was awful, so chewy, so fatty, but it was still nice to be just the two of us!

Then when I wanted to go to bed Ethan woke up.
I held him for a little while, but then I just couldn't do it anymore. He was so tired and so restless and so was I. I needed to put him down and let him cry himself to sleep. And that's what he did. Don't get me wrong...he wasn't screaming, just whining a bit, and he finally lulled himself to sleep.

I drifted off to dreamland with no problems, but had such strange dreams. Now I only had 1 1/2 drinks so I don't think it was from that. I had weird dreams after I lost the other baby so it's quite normal for all the stress to just come out while I am relaxed.

I dreamnt I was with my family and for some reason I went for a walk on my own down these dark streets. Then all of a sudden I was being chased by a bad guy and trying to get away in elevators. We went on like this for a while. Me trying to escape this evil person chasing me.

Last time I lost a baby my dreams were so vivid I would wake up and literally could not breathe. Scary! At least this time they are more mild!

So interesting fact. I read that 1 in 36 women have 2 miscarriages for no reason other than back luck! So am I lucky to have those odds or not? haha!

I have at least 6 weeks before my cycle comes back after I stop bleeding. I am still bleeding so it's gonna be a while.

Good news....No period for 6 weeks!

Also once Emma starts school full time, mama is starting the 30 day shred again. I am going to see if I can get my weight down a bit before trying again. Silly I know, because if I get a viable pregnancy I will prob loose weight anyway but i still want to get in shape a little more.

That's whats up here. Hopefully each day will be better than the last. Today I feel good, and actually laughed a little. Life goes on and I will be ok!