Would have been 3 months this week

Today was a hard day. Phil went back to work, Emma was off to school and it was just me and Ethan. My hormones are still getting back to normal and I was really sad today. This time around seemed easier so I thought. I think it is because I was really walking around in somewhat of a fog. It felt like it was not real. I felt like all of it was dream. How could this possibly be happening to me again. But it is not a dream. It is very much reality and boy did reality hit today. I always feel like the whole world goes on and I am stuck in slow motion trying to catch up. It is so strange and very unique how we were created. God made us to love a baby from the moment we discover we are pregnant. We love the child, before we even see evidence of it. Most of the time, it is really great to feel that way. But on the other end, when it all goes away, it hurts.

I have so much hope and faith this time. I do not feel as much despair the as the first time, but I still have feelings about it. I feel like it is so much easier for men to put it behind them and move on, because it seems like their love, love as intense as a mothers does not begin until they hold that child in their arms. They never can feel the emptiness that is left behind. Silly I know because I was not that far along but my stomach feels empty. I am desperately missing something I never really had. I think it is just so much disbelief, on top of raging hormones. A sense of loss.

I can say this much. No matter how long that wonderful gift is inside of you, may it be 4 weeks, or 20 weeks or 40 weeks, it touches your life so deeply.

I feel like people around me will perceive me as dramatic for still carrying on about this. Especially since I have been through this before. But from past experience I can tell you that it takes everyone different times to grieve the loss. Some get over it so quickly, others take longer. I was still sad one month after loosing my first child.

And one of the worst parts is that my mom still does not know. I am dreading telling her. When I found out I was pregnant she said "well that is good since that is what you wanted. Just do not do anything to have a miscarriage again like last time." I am honestly afraid to tell her. Like I do not dont have enough stress as it is.

I always get this huge sense of incompetence as well. Like I have done something wrong and I can not do anything right. I beat myself up so much, and I get very moody.

I dont know. It is just a hard day today......that is all I can say. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.

I go tomorrow to register for MOPS. I am excited about that. Again another situation that I want to happen but dont. What do you tell people when they ask how you are? Am I honest and bring it up, or do I lie? People do not expect to hear the answer that I have to give.

Anyways, that is all from me today. Nothing new, just going on with life hoping for the day when this will not hurt so bad.