Today started good...and then this evening came.

Today was a better day for me. I got out of the house, went to register for MOPS and talked to a few adults. Yes, that is right all you SAHM I said adults. It is amazing how much your mood is elevated, when you are able to have some sort of logical conversation with another adult....even if the conversation is all about your kids :)

If you have not already noticed I am forced to write things out in full in these past few blogs. For some reason every time I touch the apostrophe key it brings up some weird search engine and will not allow me to get an apostrophe typed out. So if you noticed a lot of "have not, has not, is not, will nots" from me that is why.

On a sadder note, my heart just broke today for my daughter. As most of you know she has started kindergarten and all was fine UNTIL TONIGHT! I put her to bed after we talked for a while and she was saying how she missed me when she first got on the bus. I told her that I missed her as well, and about how much she really likes school. And honestly she does like school, and she likes the bus for that matter, it is just the normal anxiety starting to creep in. We were told it would happen and generally 5 or so days after school began.
They could not have been more right. Today is day 4 out on her own and she is mastering the system quite well. I thought she was ok. I even bragged about her at MOPS today saying that she said "I have so much fun I forget about you."

But laying up in her bed tonight all by herself she began to think. The mind is a dangerous thing. She came down stairs and hour and a half after she went to bed and her face was beat red and streaming with tears. I almost lost it. Part of me wants to grab her and tell her she never has to go back, but that is not reality. Someday whether it be now or when she is 18, she will have to leave the safety and comfort of home. And I agree, this is a lot for a 5 yr old to take in....it is quite the transition. I know that I have to MAKE her go tomorrow, as much as I dont want to. I know these feelings will soon go away it is just really hard to deal with. There is just way to much going on these past few weeks.....but emotions are getting a run for their money.

I know there will be many more times in our lives where we will break our kids hearts but for their own good. I just wish it did not hurt so much to let her go.

I will tell you one thing though. It has made me realize how precious the few hours a day I have with her are. They are becoming much more quality and meaningful.
The funny thing is that one the weekends she gets bored. She likes the fast pace of school better than being here. It is just the little kid welling up in her.

And you want to know a secret? Though it kills me to see her hurting......it does feel kind of nice that she still needs her mommy.

Can I also say that when she was little and was home all day she may have driven me crazy at times, but I never had so much anguish about the decisions I was making for her life. I now feel so much guilt for putting her through this, though I know it will only last a short time. UGH! There are no right answers I guess we just wait it out and see what happens. Until then the teacher got a note to give her a heads up about what is going on....I just hope tomorrow is better for her.