Second thoughts

I am having second thoughts these past few days. I go to my doctor on Tuesday for a check up to be sure the miscarriage physically went well. I am considering going back on the pill. I cannot believe those words are coming out of my mouth. WOW!

Ok do not judge me here....I need to be brutally honest about how I am feeling.

This baby was a surprise to us. We were not trying, I just happened to be off the pill because it was causing bad side affects with my hands and feet and needed to go off of it. That was in April. In July I discovered I was pregnant. I was so happy. I was crying I was so happy. Mostly because it was such a surprise and it was answered prayer as well. Phil was not sure if he wanted another baby. I on the other hand, felt like we were not done. I prayed that either God change his mind, or that the desire to be taken from me. The 2 lines, what a shock! Phil was genuinely happy though. He even said that he was not sure if he told me or not but he did WANT 3 kids.

I am not going to lie...we were scared. Another baby. 2 kids under 2! 2 kids in diapers. We needed a bigger vehicle, our health insurance changed and the cost of this delivery would be much more than Ethans not only for the birth but also because my tubes were going to be tied at the same time. Heck we are still paying for Ethans birth and he will be 18 months old next month. But I had faith. Faith, that Gods word is true. He says that children are a gift from the Lord. I fully trusted he would not give us another gift, without providing the means to care for the child. Was it going to be tough? YES! But not impossible.

Then on August 29th it all came to a screeching halt! The baby was not alive anymore. We were crushed. How was this happening again? I still love my child and miss her very much. It just was not meant to be.

Fast forward to today. We are making plans for the future. Some things really fun. We have been talking about Disney since Emma was 4 years old. We have wanted to bring her but never committed mostly because of money. But now, because Phil flies so much he has 2 free flights anywhere that airline flies. We also have 10 days worth of free car rentals, because he rents cars so much. It is getting to the point where it is use it or loose it. The trip is more attainable now. The flights expire in May. It would be such a shame to let them expire. And if we go before April 5th, Ethan is free. The trip is more and more appealing! BUT, I do not want to be pregnant. I want to enjoy everything with my kids. I want to ride the rides, I do not want to have to worry about not participating because I am protecting life inside of me.

Now here is the thing and again do not judge me please....I am seeing a lot of good coming out of this if we wait.
I feel guilty for saying these things because I feel like, I sound like I wanted my baby to die and that is not it at all. I would have loved, and I do love that baby more than anyone could know.

Here are the pros to the situation:
1. We can bring our 2 kids to Disney very cheaply and have a great time.
2. Our lease will be up on the Envoy, we will not be penalized for turning it in early and we can purchase a mini van like we will need.
3.We will have more money saved up in the HSA account to be able to pay for the birth.
4. Ethan will be over 2 years old. I look at him now and he is still such a baby...I do not want to miss that because I am wrapped up in caring for a newborn.
5. Hopefully, Ethan will already be out of diapers. Did I mention he has pees on the potty several times already and he pooped on it once? Not getting my hopes up, as I changed Emmas diapers until she was 3 and a half but he definately seems like he understands the potty better than she did.
6. I will be able to loose some of this extra weight I am carrying before I get pregnant again. Thus reducing my risk of diabetes. I am always border line diabetic when I am pregnant.
7. My sister is getting married in September and I am the maid of honor. It would be really bad if I were DUE on or around September. I could not go (my kids are flower girl and ring bearer) my kids could not go and that woudl ruin things for her. It would be ok if I was pregnant though.

That is all the pros I can think of at the moment. I DO want another child, I am just thinking that delaying it a few months would not be so bad. I would probably only ask for a 3 months prescription and then be off of it when I go to Florida.

One fear of doing this.....Phil will change his mind. Hopefully not, but this is probably better all around. I am so torn in making this decision. I just do not know what I should do. Then the thought goes through my head "What if I loose the next one?" That will put me that much more behind. I do not know. But I am thinking I am leaning towards waiting a few months.

Well I guess it never hurts to ask for the prescription right? I can not use it until I get my period back anyway which may possibly be late October so I have all that time to THINK!