Poor, poor, pittiful me....... : )

5 chapters into the book Calm My Anxious Heart (finding contentment) and I realize how discontent I really am.

There's been alot of things that have gone on recently and I think maybe now they are catching up to me and I am ready to explode. Childhood insecurities are all flooding back and it's a feeling that is all to familiar and one that is not welcomed at all.

I recently had a good friend of mine, stop talking to me because.....well I'm not really sure why. My husband had said something that upset her so she stopped talking to me. She said she felt like she couldn't tell me anything anymore about her life (even though I never broke any confidence this was an observation my husband made and he stated his opinion). So I lost a friend, but sometimes I guess that happens. But for me it's a huge deal. I have never been one to have to many friends. Not really sure why but it's always been that way. I was teased a lot as a kid and only had one friend from kindergarten to 6th grade. That relationship went down the tubes when I changed schools. I'm not really sure why people picked on me so much. I was shy as a child, but nobody seemed to like me.

This carried over into junior high and high school. I went to a christian school but I found that sometimes those kids are even worse. My high school was small. 7 kids total. My senior year I was the oldest in the class (grades 9-12) and I was the only one who graduated that year. Again I had one good friend...she is still a really good friend but she lives 10 hours away.

Now I am an adult and I feel like I still haven't mastered the friend thing. But one thing I can say of myself is that I am loyal. I may not have a lot of friends but once you are friend there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I think that's why I get so deeply hurt when people stop talking to me for no reason.
The thing that I don't understand and I am so jealous of (I know, jealousy is not good) is the people who seem to get it all. They have friends everywhere. People bend over backwards for them. I know people who get so many things given to them freely and I can't help but think sometimes why not me?
Why can't things be easy for me for once? I feel like at times I have to beg people to come here.....and it's pretty pathetic. I have to beg my own family to visit. I called some family on Thanksgiving just to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and they don't even give me the courtesy of answering the phone or returning the call after we leave messages. I have people tell me they saw I called but didn't want to answer the phone. And I know you may think it's all in my head, but I don't think they have ever answered the phone when I call. I get answered back by text or email. So what is it that I am doing wrong? I feel like I annoy people. I feel like a door mat sometimes. It's hard for me to care anymore.

I sit and go over in my head what could it be that I do? Do I talk to much? Too little? Did I say something wrong? This sounds foolish, but why don't people like me? I know I sound petty and childish right now I'm just upset. I try not to let these things bother me but they just do.

I can't recall a time in my life when things have just been easy. We have always struggled and worked hard for what we have and do. I know people who get handed money, trips, clothes you name it. And it's good for them, I try not to be jealous. But these people aren't christian's. And life isn't all about material things. I know this. But right now we are just scraping by barely holding our head above water and some people just get one thing after another. Why is it that some people have so much "luck" and then there's the rest of us just scrape by.

I thank God for always providing don't get me wrong. Let me give you an example.....One year we went away and came back and we got our taxes back...not much money only a few hundred that yr, but still it was something. Though when we got back...our hot water heater broke. Praise God, we had the money but not for something "fun." We were given money for our move etc to come here. We were fronted some money as a bonus....but we have taken a cut in pay and we are carrying two houses right now. The one for sale hasn't even had anyone look at it. So that money, is being used for bills. Praise God we have it, but at the same time...HELLO! We may end up loosing our house...we can't afford both for very long. No one seems to be buying.....heck no one is even looking at ours. We have only been there for 4 yrs...we have no equity, we didn't plan on moving. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I was offered a weeks trip to Miami this past October with my grandmother. I couldn't go because I didn't have anyone that would take my kids. But that's nothing new.

I don't want a million dollars, just enough to pay off our debt and get out of our old house. I don't need 50 friends....just a handful will do. I am not saying that some of this isn't a result of our sin. Have we used credit cards? yes....that's why we have debt. I am not perfect. It just seems as if others can do the same thing as I do and still get handed everything. And I know I can't look at others and do as they do and expect the same results. God has a different plan for all of us. I just wish things were a little easier for us.
I don't really know what I wanted or expected from this post. It was mostly just to vent. I am emotional right now and just stressed to the max, and I am being human and throwing a temper tantrum!
I desperately need to learn to be content.

***as a side note it seems like every area of my life is like this that's why I am so down about it lately. I don't even have a normal mom. She has so many issues and we can't have a normal relationship. I feel like I always get the raw end of the deal though I know it all works itself out for a reason.

My husband's stupid dog whom I despise only ruins my stuff. Since I've lived here (2 months)he's put huge holes in 5 of my blankets one which I got when I got married, one which was new on my new bed and two I didn't really care about but still that's not the point. He has chewed up my bathrobe, put a hole in the hood of my new sweatshirt and last night ate a pair of my pants! Why my stuff? See where this is going. Every stinking area of life right now seems to be in chaos.

I know, such a somber depressing post especially after my month of thankfulness......this too shall pass.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (New International Version)

18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 1:6-7 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ********

Again, God knows my heart and I cry out to him and express my feelings as wrong as they are sometimes and at every turn He is there speaking to me. Thank you Lord...that you never leave or forsake us.