I am selfish

I have come to the realization that I am VERY selfish. I have always been a giving person (material wise) so I never thought I was a a selfish person. But news to me, I am!

See, here's the deal. I am already moping around about Mother's Day. I know I will not be getting anything for Mother's Day....from my husband that is. I have only gotten one Mother's Day gift from him and it was the year I gave birth to my daughter. She is 6 now! I know, I know...perhaps I am jumping the gun, but honestly my husband is not the romantic type. I didn't get anything for Valentines Day this year.....as with many years gone by. He said he thought about it getting me something but he didn't have the time. Which being a woman, I have a hard time believing but he apologized and it's over with. Or is it? Because here I am a week before Mother's Day sad because I know he will not buy me anything....afterall...I am not HIS mother.

To be completely honest though, I really resent that. Not to toot my own horn, but I have a memory like an elephant for birthdays, anniversary's, holidays etc. I remember everything! I purchase my husband Father's Day gifts and I want the same for me. And that bothers me. Shouldn't the little gifts from my daughter be enough? (you know, the ones they make in school) I should be satisfied with what I get. But I guess I want someone to dote all over me shower me with gifts, and tell me how great I am. But that isn't what it's about...any of it.

Our relationship has not been the greatest lately. It could all be stress, being married for almost 10 yrs the normal lows of a marriage. And I see myself wanting him to do this and that for me and saying "well he doesn't do this so why should I do that for him?" It's selfishness! None of this is really about me. That is the one thing I have learned about marriage ---it's not about me and I am failing miserably. It's hard to not be on the pity pot in times like these. I can easily see how marriage fail. It's very easy to loose sight of the big picture. It's easy to get wrapped up in myself. The truth is marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work. It's takes a lot of self examination and change and that sure is a hard thing to do. It takes daily forgiveness and falling to your knees and asking God to help you through this because you can't do it and want to give up. I love my husband, we will get through this dry time. It's just time to stop being selfish.

And my son just dumped my coffee mug all over the carpet. UGH! I will update more later.