I am SO over it.

The dog that is. I hate dogs have I mentioned that before? Well I guess I hate big dogs. Big dogs, big destruction, big poops, big food bills, big pains in the ass. Excuse the language but I am really ticked off right now.

We have had many of dogs over our 10 years of marriage and they have always been big dogs. One after another seems to end up finding a new home for one reason or another. When will we learn that WE meaning ME are not big dog people? I am the one at home all the time. I am the one who has to feed it, and let it out...and I know that seems so simple but the thing is you wouldn't believe how much our dog poops. One would think I am lying unless they saw it with their own eyes. He literally poops 3 times in one outdoor session and not just a little here a little there it's the real deal. Oh yah and letting him out consists of walking him outside on the invisible collar leash thing, and waiting for 20 mins (literally) for him to pick a spot and finally go and then he does his business and moves on to find another spot. Letting him out takes at least half an hour that has to be supervised because we don't have a fenced yard. So 30 mins X him needing to go out at least (not even kidding) 6 times from 6:30 am until 4pm when Phil gets home....THIS is 3 hours of my day.........wasted on a FREAKING DOG! Then he will come in go into the basement and pee and poop down there, even though he has already been outside for 3 hrs! STUPID FREAKING DOG!

He has a nice wooden kennel we purchased for him...you know the ones that look like a log dog house. I put him in it today when I left to pick up something for Emma. I was gone an hour. I came home and no word of a lie it looked like my house has been robbed. He got out of his kennel by pushing up on the roof until he moves it over and jumps out...then he ransacks my house. He broke coffee mugs, he pulled ornaments off the tree, he pulled the tree skirt off, he chewed up toys, he got black something or other or phil's ate it (I hope it kills him) and in the process got huge stains all over the NEW carpet in my son's room. He got things out of the trash. He tore apart bags with food in it and spread them all over the house. I can't take it anymore. This isn't the first time this has happened either.

This is a high maintenance dog is no one is maintaining him. I'm sorry but I am not walking a 40lb dog everyday in the freezing cold while trying to control a 2 yr old in a stroller nor do I feel like I have to because I don't even want him.

He was a pain at our old house as well and Phil said things would be different if he was home every night. He could walk him everyday and he would be better. Phil IS home every night now but do you think the dog gets walked every night NO! Do you think that when he wakes up he would let the dog out to go the bathroom and feed him...NO! He says he doesn't have time. Well guess what? I don't have time anymore either and something better be done with this dog before I take care of the problem. Everyone in the house likes the idea of the dog, but no one does a damn thing for him. I am tired of it. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I know this is very un-Christian of me but I think I need to get a say in this since I am the one who has to take care of it.
My main problem is that I feel guilty so when we find one a new home and everyone is sad...naturally I want to help them feel better and let them have a new dog. What am I thinking? I can't handle it....quite honestly it's not fair to the dog and I am being selfish and saying it's not fair to me. I have no problems with our little dog Gracie. I let her out she poops and pees outside she goes out 3 times a day does her business and comes in. She doesn't destroy everything, she doesn't need exercise...very low maintenance. I have enough trouble keeping up with everything never mind adding a stupid dog that needs so much attention.

So thank you for listening to my rant. I will keep you posted. I am done.

I just can't stop blogging today.

Boy do I have a lot to say today or what?

I was getting my 2 1/2 yr old son something to eat today and he was running around just being a kid, and I realized in the middle of such a mundane task how much I really am enjoying him. Then I immediately, felt kind of guilty because I don't know if there was a time I really enjoyed the moment with my daughter when she was the same age. I remember just wanting her to get on to the next thing. Plus life was stressful then. When she was two we had just moved to NY because the trailer park we were in (Navy housing) got closed down. Phil had a year left in the Navy but decided Emma and I should move to NY (as this is where he intended on living when he got out) and he would work in CT Mon-Fri and come home on weekends.

No wonder I am so weary. I have been doing a lot of this on my own since Emma turned 2. She will be 7 next month!

Plus, Ethan was a more demanding baby and had colic, and again I as on my own with 2 kids. Perhaps some of the enjoyment is coming from the fact that compared to back then....2 1/2 seems like a piece of cake.

This is just stirring up one memory after another. Phil and I have been through a lot in the past 10 yrs. Most people would not survive any of it. That's something to be thankful for right there.

And if your a new mom, or a seasoned mom....enjoy where they are at. It goes by all to quickly. Step away from the computer or dishes or laundry and just watch them play.....or better yet play with them. I can't get back those days with my daughter, but if I sit here feeling guilty over it, I will again miss the present with her.

Take lots of pictures and video too!!! I pull out my camera from time to time and record the silliest things. People tease me for how many pics and videos I have, but you know what? As I sit and look through all of it...I feel as if I still don't have enough. Time moves all to quickly....make the most of the time you have.

He's screaming louder

Turned on Joyce Meyer this morning and she taught on James 3:18.

Look at what that whole passage says :

James 3:13-18

Two Kinds of Wisdom
13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

Can I just say that I have been praying for wisdom. My goodness...have I had envy, bitterness, and selfishness in so many areas of my life lately. Lord forgive me. That alone answers the questions of "why so much chaos."

He's still talking.........

The past week has been a rough one, but I am feeling better now. I have spent a lot of time praying about our situation telling God how I felt and also asking forgiveness for being so selfish at times. It is so frustrating for me sometimes because I feel like I don't know what to do, or what God wants me to do. I was telling Him this and that I wished sometimes He could just audibly talk to me...even though I think it would scare the living daylights out of me, I would know without a doubt what He wanted for my life and what was His will.

After my long cry fest I went to the basement to do some laundry. We have a bookshelf down there with several books on it. For some reason I walked over to the shelf and saw a devotional book sitting there that I hadn't read since we moved. I have a tendency of doing that these days. Life has been pretty hectic so I will start a book, put it down forget about it and start yet another. I think I have about 4 of them going right now : ) but that is besides the point. Anyway, I noticed the books and then turned to walk away and load the washer. Then something in my head said get that book and read it. Pick up where you left off. I almost didn't listen, but then thought I should grab it.
I loaded the washer and with book in tow headed back upstairs. I opened it up and began reading and the section I am on is all about hard times. Hmmmmmm....coincidence? I think not.

A few things really stood out to me and I will paraphrase them hear for you.

First one An Unending Supply by Sheila Walsh

John 2:1-5 (New International Version)

John 2
Jesus Changes Water to Wine
1On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there, 2and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. 3When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine."

4"Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied, "My time has not yet come."

5His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."

Sheila used this verse to shine some light in my life. She was saying of all the miracles Jesus preformed why was this his first? It seems pretty insignificant considering what He could do.
In the story the servants brought the empty jars to Jesus. He told them to fill them with water, and He did the rest. Not only did Jesus do the rest but He gave them so much more then they needed (wine that is).

The point for me is that I have to do my part and there are limitations on what I can do. I can't make it all happen, neither could the men who filled the jars with water and brought them to Jesus. All I can do is take what I have, give it to Him and let Him do the rest. This miracle was a sign that Jesus is who He says He is and if we do our part He will give us so much more then we think we need.

The second one I read was "He Giveth More Grace" by Mary Graham

Ecclesiastes 7:14 NIV

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.

John 16:33 (New International Version)

33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (New International Version)

18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Sometimes I loose sight of this. God uses all the garbage to strengthen us. Whether it be our faith, or patience, or maybe just to make us more aware.

This was the case when I lost my babies. It was such a hard thing to go through, especially to have to do it twice. Quite honestly it's the most painful thing I've ever dealt with. But the only way out of it was through it. I had to feel the pain and turn to God who was the only one who could truly understand. That whole experience has given me greater compassion towards those who do loose a child. It's something that you can't fully understand unless you have gone through it. How much a tiny being really touches your life...though you never really knew them.
I have to trust that what we are going through now will have the same outcome. Even though I don't see the end result God will take care of it. He's will use this and me to show His love through all of it.

A hymn written by Annie Johnson Flint "He Giveth More Grace"

"He giveth more grace as the burdens grow greater.
He giveth more strength as our labors increase.
To added affliction, he added His mercy;
To multiplied sorrows He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
when our strength has failed when the day is half done,
when we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun....

His love has no limits
His love has no measure
His power no boundary known unto men
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
he giveth, and giveth and giveth again.

And the last one Resting in Grace by Sandi Patty as excerpt from her devotion

"It is the coolest thing to know that God will always give us just what we need when we need it. Never early, never late, but just when we need it."

How true that is. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the circumstance I forget to look back on God's faithfulness. The wait can be excruciatingly painful but He always shows up just in time. I often think I know what the timing should be and get anxious and ticked when it doesn't happen. But then we somehow make it through...and when God does comes through its usually at a time that is much more desperate.
Thank God, that He knows better then me.

I love how God does that. I talk to Him and I have to admit I get mad sometimes waiting in the silence. I wish He could just shout to me. But then when I least expect it, He uses every avenue around me to "shout" in His own way. Learn to listen to the small voices that tell you to do something. Often times it's God trying to get your attention. Trying to let you know that He is still there, and still cares even if YOU cannot always feel it. That's part of what faith is. Trusting God, even when you think He isn't there. Faith isn't about feelings.

And above all, try to remember that God will not always answer you in the same way He has answered others. That was a tough one for me. I saw someone who was in the same boat as us with moving and selling their house. In this economy, they sold their house in 6 weeks! Praise God! I kept comparing my situation to theirs. "well their house sold so surely you can do that for us." I even counted down "well God it's been 6 weeks...come on now sell the house for us."
But truth is, it's not like God isn't answering us...it's just not His plan for us. But that's ok....(took me a while to get there)He has something else in store for us. And even if it comes down to us loosing that house He can turn that around for our good. He can use that. I truly believe with all my heart that this job has been given to us as a gift from Him. Phil is home every night, the company is great, he loves his job etc. So why wouldn't God take care of the rest? He will....just not the way I think is best.
And everywhere I turn He is screaming the message in my face. "I am here....you will have troubles, but I am here. Do what you can, and I will do the rest. I will show up in just the right time."

Is God trying to speak to you? He speaks in unusual ways, so be sure to keep your eyes and ears open because you'll never know what He will use.

Measuring Up

"Look in the Old Testament at Joseph's life-rejection, harassment, and injustice. And what was the result? A wise man came forth out of the prison, one who rose up to handle the responsibility of being second in command over the most powerful nation in the world at the time. Somehow Joseph was able to trust God's love regardless of being locked in a cell for an offense he didn't commit.

When I have to sit long in a doctor's waiting cell-I mean, office-I get whiny. I can't imagine Joseph's years in a dank creepy room without peanut butter or Nick at Nite.

I have to remind myself when times crowd in with pressure, when people hurt my feelings, when my job loses its appeal, then my children fail to heed my advice, and when the newspapers read like doomsday reports, that God didn't promise life would be easy but that he would be with us as Buzz Lightyear(children's hero) would say, "To infinity and beyond!"

God can take a jail sentence and use it for the good of the prisoner, whether we are incarcerated behind iron bars or emotional ones. He uses our rejection issues to tutor us in the importance of compassion and inclusion. And harassment is just the right material to teach us the importance knowing who we are in Christ, so we are not intimidated or persuaded that we are hopeless.

So today if you are wondering how you measure up, rest assured that God is on your side. And if you are trying to figure out God's measurements, know that his love is beyond knowledge. Try as we might, we cannot fully comprehend the immeasurable love of God-although one of the indicators is Jesus."---excerpt from Women of Faith Devotional Infinite Grace "Measuring Up" by Patsy Clairmont.

P31 devotional this morning

I told you God is always speaking to me! Thank you God!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Invisible Woman
Shari Braendel

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." Romans 12:10 (NIV)

Margaret was new to the area and decided to visit a few local churches and Bible studies before she chose where to attend regularly. Unfortunately, it turned out the same everywhere she went: no one acknowledged her.

They didn't even seem to see her. She was left feeling like a small fish in a big sea. "How am I ever going to meet anyone, let alone make a friend?" she thought to herself, as she uncomfortably poured herself a cup of coffee in the foyer of a church.

Recently, I had a conversation with Margaret and she reminisced with me about the time she felt so alone in that foyer full of women. She made me giggle when she revealed how she entertained herself during those lonely times by wearing the same outfit on purpose for weeks in a row. She was convinced that it just didn't matter because no one would remember her anyway.

Although Margaret felt alone and invisible, she was not. Jesus said, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" (Luke 12:6-7, NIV). Not only did God see her that day, but He knew what kind of hair day she was having!

I know how Margaret felt. My son started a new school this year and I found myself in a similar situation. As I attended my first PTA meeting, I looked around the room and didn't know a soul. I noticed I wasn't the only one by myself. There were other women who appeared not to know anyone either. Many were sitting alone, pretending to be at ease, yet not looking upward or outward; just awkwardly tending to their refreshments. Everyone else was talking and laughing in groups of two's and three's, unaware that there were isolated women in the room.

How do we become so involved with ourselves that we forget about others who might be new or lonely? I think about Margaret's story and I wonder, "Am I so caught up with what's going on with me that I forget it's not all about me?" Perhaps meetings, Bible studies or holiday parties aren't all about the girlfriends I already know, but about reaching out to someone who is searching for a welcoming friend.

I've been challenging myself to look beyond my familiar circle, and I want to invite you to do the same. Wherever you go, look around the room and find someone who is by herself. Walk up to her and say hello. Ask some questions about how long she's been coming and how you might help her feel connected and welcomed in that particular situation. You may just be the one that helps her realize she's not invisible – she's noticed – by God and by you.

Dear Lord, I pray as I go about my business that you will help me to become more aware of others. I pray that I seek out those who feel uncomfortable or who might be new. Help me step outside myself and approach someone who needs to be noticed. I pray I realize it's not all about me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Poor, poor, pittiful me....... : )

5 chapters into the book Calm My Anxious Heart (finding contentment) and I realize how discontent I really am.

There's been alot of things that have gone on recently and I think maybe now they are catching up to me and I am ready to explode. Childhood insecurities are all flooding back and it's a feeling that is all to familiar and one that is not welcomed at all.

I recently had a good friend of mine, stop talking to me because.....well I'm not really sure why. My husband had said something that upset her so she stopped talking to me. She said she felt like she couldn't tell me anything anymore about her life (even though I never broke any confidence this was an observation my husband made and he stated his opinion). So I lost a friend, but sometimes I guess that happens. But for me it's a huge deal. I have never been one to have to many friends. Not really sure why but it's always been that way. I was teased a lot as a kid and only had one friend from kindergarten to 6th grade. That relationship went down the tubes when I changed schools. I'm not really sure why people picked on me so much. I was shy as a child, but nobody seemed to like me.

This carried over into junior high and high school. I went to a christian school but I found that sometimes those kids are even worse. My high school was small. 7 kids total. My senior year I was the oldest in the class (grades 9-12) and I was the only one who graduated that year. Again I had one good friend...she is still a really good friend but she lives 10 hours away.

Now I am an adult and I feel like I still haven't mastered the friend thing. But one thing I can say of myself is that I am loyal. I may not have a lot of friends but once you are friend there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I think that's why I get so deeply hurt when people stop talking to me for no reason.
The thing that I don't understand and I am so jealous of (I know, jealousy is not good) is the people who seem to get it all. They have friends everywhere. People bend over backwards for them. I know people who get so many things given to them freely and I can't help but think sometimes why not me?
Why can't things be easy for me for once? I feel like at times I have to beg people to come here.....and it's pretty pathetic. I have to beg my own family to visit. I called some family on Thanksgiving just to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and they don't even give me the courtesy of answering the phone or returning the call after we leave messages. I have people tell me they saw I called but didn't want to answer the phone. And I know you may think it's all in my head, but I don't think they have ever answered the phone when I call. I get answered back by text or email. So what is it that I am doing wrong? I feel like I annoy people. I feel like a door mat sometimes. It's hard for me to care anymore.

I sit and go over in my head what could it be that I do? Do I talk to much? Too little? Did I say something wrong? This sounds foolish, but why don't people like me? I know I sound petty and childish right now I'm just upset. I try not to let these things bother me but they just do.

I can't recall a time in my life when things have just been easy. We have always struggled and worked hard for what we have and do. I know people who get handed money, trips, clothes you name it. And it's good for them, I try not to be jealous. But these people aren't christian's. And life isn't all about material things. I know this. But right now we are just scraping by barely holding our head above water and some people just get one thing after another. Why is it that some people have so much "luck" and then there's the rest of us just scrape by.

I thank God for always providing don't get me wrong. Let me give you an example.....One year we went away and came back and we got our taxes back...not much money only a few hundred that yr, but still it was something. Though when we got back...our hot water heater broke. Praise God, we had the money but not for something "fun." We were given money for our move etc to come here. We were fronted some money as a bonus....but we have taken a cut in pay and we are carrying two houses right now. The one for sale hasn't even had anyone look at it. So that money, is being used for bills. Praise God we have it, but at the same time...HELLO! We may end up loosing our house...we can't afford both for very long. No one seems to be buying.....heck no one is even looking at ours. We have only been there for 4 yrs...we have no equity, we didn't plan on moving. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I was offered a weeks trip to Miami this past October with my grandmother. I couldn't go because I didn't have anyone that would take my kids. But that's nothing new.

I don't want a million dollars, just enough to pay off our debt and get out of our old house. I don't need 50 friends....just a handful will do. I am not saying that some of this isn't a result of our sin. Have we used credit cards? yes....that's why we have debt. I am not perfect. It just seems as if others can do the same thing as I do and still get handed everything. And I know I can't look at others and do as they do and expect the same results. God has a different plan for all of us. I just wish things were a little easier for us.
I don't really know what I wanted or expected from this post. It was mostly just to vent. I am emotional right now and just stressed to the max, and I am being human and throwing a temper tantrum!
I desperately need to learn to be content.

***as a side note it seems like every area of my life is like this that's why I am so down about it lately. I don't even have a normal mom. She has so many issues and we can't have a normal relationship. I feel like I always get the raw end of the deal though I know it all works itself out for a reason.

My husband's stupid dog whom I despise only ruins my stuff. Since I've lived here (2 months)he's put huge holes in 5 of my blankets one which I got when I got married, one which was new on my new bed and two I didn't really care about but still that's not the point. He has chewed up my bathrobe, put a hole in the hood of my new sweatshirt and last night ate a pair of my pants! Why my stuff? See where this is going. Every stinking area of life right now seems to be in chaos.

I know, such a somber depressing post especially after my month of thankfulness......this too shall pass.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (New International Version)

18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 1:6-7 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ********

Again, God knows my heart and I cry out to him and express my feelings as wrong as they are sometimes and at every turn He is there speaking to me. Thank you Lord...that you never leave or forsake us.