Worst mom of the year

I feel so embarrassed about what happened today. I am posting this in hopes that other women who make mistakes know that this kind of thing happens. It still doesn't remove the feelings of guilt, but I try to be brutally honest with things that are going on and it's good to hear that others have had their own close calls.

I had lots of errands to do today. I got myself ready and Ethan ready. My phone rang, it was Phil. While on the phone with Phil, Ethan asked me for some milk. I gave him his sippy and finished talking to Phil at the most 2 mins. I look in the kitchen and my locked screen door is somehow unlocked and open. I proceeded to go outside and call Ethan. Silence.
My heart starts pumping a little quicker. I run through the woods calling him. Nothing.
Now I am starting to freak out.
I ran back to the house and called for him. Nothing.
At this point I am really worried running around my yard and through the woods just begging God to let him come out from where he was. I didn't know where he was but God did, so please just let him come out.
Then I hear barking from Gracie. I look up the driveway and there are two cars parked at in the street at the top. My first thought "He's dead. He's been hit." I started crying and running up my driveway, then I see this wonderful woman come walking down holding my son. He was fine. I lost it. I couldn't control myself...the tears just poured out of my eyes. I am still crying typing this right now and it happened 3 hrs ago.
When I met her she hugged me and asked if I was alright. She said she lived down the street (I've never met her) and she was driving home and she saw Ethan standing on the side of the road. She knew this wasn't right so she proceeded down to the next house so she could turn around. When she came back down the road he had crossed the street. Gracie was standing there with him. She scooped him up and said she was determined to find out where he belonged. She brought him to me and he told me he was "going for a walk". Later on he said "sorry mom go walk in woods."

My road is not a busy road but it's a fast road. People do 60 down the road.
My mind keeps going to that dark place of what could have happened. I am so thankful that she found him and brought him home. I could have lost him had she not stopped and picked him up.

I feel like I should have learned my lesson. He did this once before but my neighbor caught him before he got in the street. Because of this I started locking the screen door so he couldn't escape but I guess he knows how to unlock it now.

I can't tell you how thankful I am that it wasn't his time to go. That God protected my little boy. I don't know if I could live with myself if something happened to him. I am beating myself up as it is and he is perfectly fine.
I know this all was an accident but at the same time I feel so guilty. I feel like I should have been more attentive....I should have known.

My stomach was so upset for hours after. I felt like I wanted to throw up.

The important thing is that he is happy and healthy. I still feel like a bad mom though.

Got my letter

You know how I said I wished God could just mail me a letter and tell me what job we should choose? On Saturday, I got my letter. Well sort of. Even though we know that we will be moving to West Virginia it's still nice to hear confirmation that this IS what we should be doing. I bought a Lady Antebellum cd last week and for some reason I hadn't opened it until Saturday. Phil and I were headed out to take a bike ride with the kids and the trail is about an hour away. So I popped in this new cd. One song in particular caught my attention.....mind you, I had no clue this song was on the cd. The song was called "Home is Where the Heart Is" Here is the chorus to the song.

Mama said home is where the heart is
When I left that town
I made it all the way to West Virginia
And that's where my heart found
Exactly where I'm supposed to be
It didn't take much time
It's just south of the Mason Dixon line
It's just south of the Mason Dixon line

I almost peed my pants when I heard this! I could not believe they were singing about West Virginia!

God uses the strangest things to speak to us. But thankfully He does!

We have a decision

We received the offer for the job in Maine last week. We are still waiting for the one from WV but Phil called them to tell them he had another offer in hand and that lit a fire under their little hineys! They said we will get it next week, that all approvals had been met.

So after reviewing the Maine offer and having a slight idea of what the WV one offers...the winner is West Virginia!

Wow!

When we saw the offer from Maine the base pay was pretty good. They have a bonus plan that new employees can't participate until they have worked for 3 months. It is similar to what he has now. They get 1.5% of the sales but it is split amongst the 6 techs. Again, this means there is no way for him to have control over his commission. Kind of stinks. Also they only provide medical for him. He doesn't need medical because he has the VA but unfortunately health care does not work like that. It's either single of family plan. So to put us on the plan we would have to pay $996 a month. I checked into private insurance and it will cost just about the same. So, thats $12,000 a yr in health care we would have to pay never mind whatever we have for co-pays etc. That brings our pay check down $12,000 and for that number its not worth being gone 2 weeks out of each month.
I am sad for Phil because he really wanted to do this kind of work, but it's just not feasible. And honestly, it's not conducive to family life. That door slammed right in our face.
On the other hand I am happy that he will have a job that he's home every night. I won't miss the travel one bit. I don't think he will realize how much he likes being home every night until he IS home every night.
Once we got the offer and we reviewed it and we decided "NO" a huge weight had been lifted off our shoulders. We feel at peace with the option that is left. It still seems unreal. So much to do, in so little time mixed in with my sisters wedding in two weeks.....it's going to be an exhausting month.
But I am glad I can prepare now, for what's ahead. We have the answer and we are at peace. What could be better? Thank you Lord for providing us 2 options in this economy! We are grateful for the doors you have opened, and for shutting all the wrong ones!

Those who wait shall renew their strength.

We still have not seen one offer yet! This is getting very frustrating, but part of me knows that it's taking so long because God is working things out. I am a little nervous because I spoke to my earthly dad and for some reason now he is not going to be able to help us out like I thought he was. I am not sure why he would have acted like he could and then all of a sudden not. Maybe I understood what he meant when he said there are lots of options.

This makes this whole process even harder. Moving to a new state for a job and knowing that we can't afford to keep this house and also another is quite scary. Being a christian I don't really believe in just packing it all up and not paying on this house. It's our responsibilty to pay for it and we should do so. Not that there aren't times where this is necessary, but I can't imagine having to do that.

At the same time he needs this new job, or A new job. This one is getting old and there are more and more bumps along the way with this one. It won't be much longer before they don't exist then we would be forced to loose everything.

I know I sound crazy for saying this but I keep hoping that perhaps this is taking so long because there is another job waiting for him out there somewhere and we just haven't come across it yet. In my knowledge the best situation for us would be to get a half way decent paying job here and have Phil attend college and get his degree for the next two years. Then we can go from there. But this is the east route, the stress free route. Plus the little fact that we haven't been offered a job here yet. This way we could stay here, pay off more of the house and debt, Emma could attend school here and we could transition later. When we are more prepared.

I come to discover that life doesn't always allow for you to be fully prepared. This could be a great opportunity.

The stress is weighing heavy on us. I was accused of being not supportive yesterday. Maybe I'm not. I just don't know how to be, when we don't know anything. I don't have anymore answers then he has. I know what he wants to do (phil that is) but I don't know if that's what we are supposed to do.

Did I mention that I hate moving? I hate change/big change? I know God will be faithful to us...it's just the waiting that's the hardest. I have learned with God he tends to come through at the last minute. Not sure why it always seems to work that way, but he likes to come through and make things happen at midnight! The one thing that is consistent is that he always comes through. So we wait, and wait some more.

My word of the day "But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God." Psalm 146:5 NLT

Help me to be joyful through the waiting.

I am SO tired

I have a major issue with Emma lately. For the past 2 weeks she has not slept. I am not even kidding. I put her to bed at 8. She does not finally doze off until 10...I can hear her walking around upstairs, and then she wakes up several times a night and is up for the day around 6.

Right now it is 4:30 a.m. I slept really bad last night. I couldn't get to sleep until after 12 and then I think I woke up every hour. I was having weird dreams and just could not get peace enough to fall asleep. Until 3 a.m. I dozed off and it seemed like I was out. Until I get woken up by her staring at me. She doesn't touch me to wake me up she just stares. Can I tell you how much I love her, but waking up to someone standing over you staring at you can really scare you. Especially when you are the only adult home here.

By the way she woke me up to tell me her tooth was loose. But it's been loose for months now. This is nothing new. What is her deal?

I really need her to sleep. I need to sleep. I am moody when I don't sleep and you can bet that after 2 weeks of her not sleeping well, she is not the most pleasant child to be around. She cries at the drop of a hat, she fights with her brother constantly...I have no idea how to fix it. You can't make a kid sleep.

I am not sure what it is that is waking her up. Her bedroom is a walk through room. In other words her room used to be the master bedroom but when the added on to this house the put a bedroom off of hers. You have to walk through her room to get to ours, but no one else goes through there. Also, she has no windows in her room so it's not outside noises, or light waking her up. I don't know what her deal is. I don't know how to fix it, and I really need some sleep. Whether she likes it or not...so does she.

Patience is a virture that I do not have

Wait upon the Lord....this is something I am not good with. Faith, I have. Patience, not so much.

Both interview took place about 3 weeks ago with a second interview up in Maine last week. We still have no answers. Both companies are supposedly preparing offers, but we have yet to see one of them. I have been praying like crazy. I still felt like I had no answers. I wish I could get a letter in the mail saying move to Maine, or move to West virginia.....wouldn't life be so much easier?

I have most of the facts about both jobs. We don't know how well Maine pays, but we do know that the travel situation will be better than it is now. The owner does all the travel arrangements and if a guy is out one week he keeps him in the next. So that is a little easier to take then what we have now. He also said he could work a deal with the healthcare. Since they don't cover families and Phil does not need healthcare because he has the VA he said perhaps he could pay what he would normally pay for Phil and put it towards the family plan.

I honestly think I know the answer and know where we will end up I am just really nervous about it.

Every time I think of West Virginia I get very unsettled. Like something isn't right. My gut feels nervous. I am not sure if this is just nerves or if this is because it's not right.

When I look at the facts of both jobs it seems as if West Virginia would be easier...I think that's why I am drawn to it. But it doesn't feel right.

God has to come through in a BIG way if we were to move to Maine. Sitting here it seems impossible but with God all things are possible. What a great testimony it would be for him.

I am still praying and we still haven't made a decision. I guess I am just thinking out loud. It's hard to know what to do. It such a big thing for us right now, but in the scheme of things it is so little. To God this is nothing. He promises that he will take care of our needs.

Keep praying for us! And thank you to those who are already.


UPDATE....Just got my KLOVE word of the day....late today. Here is the verse:

Encouraging Word:
Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful. Proverbs 16:20 NLT

Just when you think one door has closed....

....you get a phone call saying that your husband is their #1 pick and that they are preparing an offer to present next week!

Yes, folks I am talking about West Virginia! Wow! WOW! West Virginia would be more in our budget as far as carrying two homes. Of course we would need a little family help, but luckily my dad is open to helping us out. They said today that they are so far behind that there will be lots of PAID overtime! Yes I stress paid because Phil often works 80 hour weeks as it is, can't come home until the weekends, and DOES NOT get paid 1 penny more than what his salary states! The recruiter stressed that this company has amazing benefits...including health insurance for all of us, and because they are so busy Phil will be making more this next yr then they quoted us to begin with.

Sounds like this door may be flying open. UGH! I hate decisions like this. I wish there was some huge sign saying 'take this job'. Am I crazy? I am asking for more proof then what has been laid before me already! AHhhhhh we shall see.

My only concern is that Phil does not seem to be jumping up and down about the job. I hope he is just holding back. He swears to me that he will like it...I hope that is true.

I just don't know if I can do the traveling thing anymore, and this job has NO travel! Overtime, yes. Some late nights, YES. But he gets to come home every single night. We just miss him so much when he is gone and I think its creating alot of unspoken tensions with both of us. Traveling is so hard when you are trying to raise a family. It's hard to keep your relationship strong when you travel so much. Burn out is inevitable. We have been living this way for 5 yrs, I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

My other concern about the Maine job is that if God forbid something happens to the company there is NOTHING else up there. Work is hard to come by. In West Virginia we are located smack dab in the middle of Ohio and Pennsylvania. Each only minutes from where we would live. Lots of other opportunities.

I hate this. You know how it is when you get good news about one thing. You feel all positive and drawn to that and everything else pales in comparison until you hear back from something else? I have major decisions! haha! God help me!